Everything Changed

SO.

Everything changed.

Literally everything.

Isaac used me.
He used me & was an ass & I'm done.

I'm actually done.

It's the strangest sensation waking up & not longing for him.
Not wanting to know how he is.
Not really giving a fuck anymore.

Let me be clear.
I still care about him.
I forgive him.

But I'm out.

He was a manipulative fuck.
It honestly makes me feel sick.
My stomach churns & my skin crawls.
Like I'm grown.
I am a strong, independent woman & I know better.
But it happened & that's life & I'm done.
I'm just fucking done.

I spent so much time trying to tell him he's a good person.
So much time trying my fucking hardest to make him feel better.
& he was just waiting for Sara to come back.
Which is cool.

So as aforementioned I am DONE.

I really hope he's happy.
Legitimately.
One day I hope he makes a good decision & is happy.
I just won't be around to see it.

Pure & Unadulterated

I hate how much I still love him.
& when I say that, I just hate that it hurts so much.
I am amazed that after all this time, after all the shit, I still love him.
I'm amazed that I am not bitter, I'm not wrecked.
Especially after what happened the last time.

But I'm a different person.
I know that.
I've grown & shifted & realized what's important.
What's important is love.

That's it.
It's not a hard concept to wrap one's mind around.

I woke up crying today.

Today 2 years ago I lost Aunt.
The only member of my family who made me feel like I mattered in the slightest.
I never even told her how I felt.
Never had the chance to say goodbye.
All I have left is a voicemail that she left me on my birthday.
One I never replied to.

In less than a week, the man I love is going to have serious surgery & I can't be there.
I can't even ask how he is.
I can't do a damn thing.

It's killing me.
I don't know what I'd do if he dies.

I'm better for having been through what I've been through,
I've grown & discovered what it really means to love.
But I wish that it wouldn't hurt.
I wish that it were FOR something.
I wish he knew how truly & deeply he is loved & that it's what he deserves.

No one deserves anything less than pure unadulterated love.

But that's just my opinion.

It's Over ... Again

I'm not upset anymore.
The first few days I was inconsolable.
But here's the thing,
I knew he wasn't even remotely over her, no matter how he acted towards me.
Was it shitty of him?
Of course it was.
But I love him.
It's that simple.
I just fucking love him.
So it really doesn't matter, as long as he's happy.

I could get bitter.
I could go to his house & ruin his life & make a scene & talk about how badly he's treated me.
But it honestly would not matter.
It'd just make things worse.

It's not his fault he doesn't have feelings for me,
He's not required to.
Should he have been more clear about it?
Sure.
Should he have been the one to tell me about all this?
Yes.
But he didn't & that's just fucking life.
I don't have the time to waste on people who don't care about me.
I miss him.
DAMN do I miss that boy, but there's nothing I can do,
Nothing I could have said to make him stay.
& it won't be like last time.
I won't lie to myself & hope that one day he'll come back.
He's not coming back.
He's just not that into me.
& I have to live with that.

I hope things work out for him.
I hope he remembers everything I told him because I meant them.
He's meant for so much more than this life he's cut out for himself.
He's got some fucked up shit going on in his mind, but he's good deep in there somewhere.

I'm just glad I never took him into my life.
I can just keep living my life & not have to remember him wherever I go.
Compartmentalizing the fuck out of that shit.

I'm so worried about him, you guys.
I'm so worried he is going to die on that operating table & I won't have the chance to say goodbye.
I'll just be sobbing in the back of his funeral, hiding from her, from all of them.
I can't lose him.
It's fine if he's not in my life, as long as he's alive.
That's all I fucking care about.
I just want him happy & alive.

The Darkness Is Closing In

I think the hardest part about it is knowing that I love him & he doesn't love me.
There's nothing to be done about it, no words that can make it change, but it hurts.
It hurts knowing that there is someone else who can make him feel the way I feel for him.
The way he never felt for me.
He may have once upon a time, but not the same way.
Never the same way.
He was my world, I was just his island.

Ian asked me if I could see myself dating him again.

What do I even say?
I've been clear. I've been more than clear.
How did this happen?
At what point did being a good friend translate into being interested in a relationship?

& no, it's not comparable to Isaac & I.
I told Isaac how I felt. Ian did not. I assumed, but he did not say.
I told Ian how I felt. Less than a month ago I told him I still had feelings for Isaac.
I did not make out with Ian.
I did not tell him I wanted to be with him & then talk about Isaac.

It's not the same.
Not even a little.

I won't lie to you, my little empty space of internet,
I'm in a very dark place & I don't think anyone really knows how dark.

Back at It Again

He cut me out again.
After all this time, I really shouldn't be surprised, but I am.
& it hurts. Like it always does.
You'd think I'd get used to that too.
But I don't.

He's struggling, & things got confusing, I get that.
But why not talk about it?
Talk through it?
Why not just be honest & tell me I'm not what he wants?
He's allowed to not want me.
It sucks, but I understand.

FUCK do I understand.

& he's having surgery in a couple weeks.
It's taking everything in me to not call, or contact his family.
I can't sleep, I barely eat, I'm a wreck.
I'm just so worried.
Incredibly worried.

What if he dies?
What if I don't know?
What if I saw her at the funeral?

What if I just went through with it & disappear?

I don't know what to do with myself.
I just sit here & do my best to distract myself.
I've got 15 screens open on my computer & I'm playing video games.

Well, a padded cell isn't too bad, I guess.
I'm going to need it.

Off

Have you ever felt wrong?
Not yourself?
Weird?
Off?

I feel that way when we haven't spoken, he & I.

It's ridiculous, because he said it.
He said we were done.

But I still hold on to hope.

It's dumb, I know.
I know I can "do better"
I know that there's "someone out there for me"

But I don't want it.

I want him.
I want him to open up to me.
I want him to be my friend & once we've found a common ground,
I want us to be more.

But SHOULD we.
THAT is the question.

I'm sure the answer is no.
I KNOW the answer is no.

But my entire being shouts yes & really, who am I to argue?

It's not in my hands.
It's never been in my hands.
It's all his.

& he'll never let me in, & he'll never let me see him.
He'll run away because he's afraid of not being enough when he's all I've ever wanted.
Never mind that I don't know him.

There's such a thing as kindred spirits.
There's such a thing as getting to know one another.

But he's either too cowardly or too lazy to try.

So I'll pick up the pieces & start my shit over again.
I'll be fine, but I'll be off for a while.

He'll always be tugging at my fucking heart.
Tug tug mother fucker.

Oh well.

One of these days my life will come together.
I'm only 21.
We'll find it.

Ciao for now!

Overly Dramatic Me Strikes Again

Okay.
Well my last post was a little over the top.

Of course he knows what pain is, he is 2013 me.
Of course he's a fucking idiot.
But of course I forgive him & of course I still care for him.

He won't open up to me.
I've laid my heart out in the open & he just left it there.
Which is fine, I guess, disappointing as fuck, sure, but it's his choice.

He's made the choice to walk away from what could have been great.
I hope one day he'll realize.
But until that day comes, we'll just be friends.

Which is honestly for the best, because emotions are for weenies.

In other news, I think this Erik guy is trying to hit it.

...

I'm not sure how I feel about it, to be completely honest.
I've known him for a long time & he's funny & smart & kind, but ...

Idk.

Having feelings for people other than Isaac is hard.
Having feelings after having them stomped on by Isaac is hard.

But there is all the time in the world to fixate on what feelings I may or may not eventually have.

I'm too fucking young to be worrying myself sick over someone who won't put in the effort.

THAT'S THE THING!!!
He couldn't be bothered.
I drove all the way out to see him, to talk with him,
He just complained about me being too far away.

Like I get it, my roommates are scary, but we don't have to just sit at home.
There's this whole world out there to explore.

He couldn't be bothered to tell me how he was feeling.
Ever.

So it's his loss.
I'm a fucking catch.

I just never knew what he was thinking, what he was feeling.

Unless he was horny.
Then I knew everything.
Which just makes me feel cheap.

I told him everything.
Every thought in my head.
Because I was drunk, but at least I said it.

At least I was genuine.

OH WELL

That's enough of that.

I'm recommitting myself to being a happier, healthier, me.
Damn self destructive tendencies.
Damn them straight to Hell.

... I say as it's well past midnight ...

I'm hopeless.

But I'll keep on hoping, it's all I can do.
One of these days I'll get it right.

Let The Record Show ...

I just wanted to be happy.
May the record show, that everything I did, I did to be happy.

I just ...
I knew it. I knew that this was a horrible idea.
I ran down the hall before I could second guess myself.
This is the price I pay.

I loved him.
My heart still wants him.
But I KNOW better.
I fucking know better.

He still loves her.
He lied to me & to himself & now I have to pick up the pieces.

Do you want to know what he asked me to do?
I'm a virgin by choice.
I've had countless opportunities to change that.
But I want it to MEAN something.
Because it's important to me.
It's honestly the only thing about myself that I care about.
& he asked me to sleep with him.
So he could get over her.

...
...
...

Can we just take a second?

Or a thousand?

How fucking dare he.

It happened a couple days ago & I forgive him, but that changed a lot of things for me.

Because what kind of person says something like that to someone he "cares" about.

It honestly makes me sick to my stomach.
I told him I loved him.
& that's what I got in return.

I can't do this.

But I can't be without him.

But I'll have to because there's no other way.

I can't breathe.
I love him so much.
I am going to miss him so fucking much.

But he doesn't give a shit.
I know he wants to but he doesn't & that's not enough for me.
That will never be enough for me.

I thought he'd changed.
We were talking & before we got into the emotional, I thought he'd changed.

But he's the same guy.

& I'm not the same girl.

The girl he knew died 3.5 years ago.

& now I'm just going to have to pick up all the pieces.


DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE ICING ON THE CAKE?!?

I got in an accident 2 days ago.
I have a mild concussion.
I was in the hospital & he had the audacity to tell me that I make HIM sad.

Isaac, if you ever find this, you don't know what sadness is.
I know you said you were joking, but it's not fucking funny.
You HURT ME.
Every mother fucking day you wasted my time & hurt me.

I am a wreck over here & someone who wanted to be my boyfriend a week ago needed me to comfort him when it should be the other way around.

I keep reliving the accident.
I can't do this.
I just can't.

I Played Myself

Why?
I just read back to that fateful day & I just have to wonder, why?

I know why.
I know why I did it & I did it because it hurt too much not to.
But now it's done.
& I've done things & said things that have fucked me over big time.

I'm lost.
I'm lost because I keep forgetting who is more important.

I am.

Or more, I should be.
I haven't been, but I should be.

I shouldn't listen to him talk about her,
I shouldn't be there for him when I should be focusing on work.
I shouldn't want to do anything to please him.
But I do.
I fucking do because I love him.

He shouldn't tell me about her.
He shouldn't say those things to me.
He shouldn't.
But he does.

I'm addicted to him.
I'm addicted to the pleasure & the pain.
I'm addicted to how he can make me FEEL again.

Do you know how dangerous that is?
I haven't felt in 4 years.
I go back & I KNOW that I said I was over it, I know I said I was moving on,
But I wasn't.
Because if I did, I would still want to bone Aaron, I'd still have trouble meeting Eric's eyes.
But I don't, because it wasn't real.
Nothing has felt real, not like this.

I love the anguish.
I love hiding my tears.
I love being able to feel so goddamn alone.

I loved thinking that he cared enough.
& he doesn't which is 100% okay.
He shouldn't.
No one should care the way I care because it is destructive.
No one should put the world before themselves.

But I am literally a piece of shit.
Nothing more, nothing less.

& him.
LORD FUCKING HELP ME.

I was vulnerable.
SO. FUCKING. VULNERABLE.
I've never been so vulnerable in my life.
& I can laugh about it with my roommates & I can pretend it's all good.
But I exposed a part of myself I never have before.

& this is the consequence.
He can't handle this.
He can't handle me.

Well Sir, I can't handle you.
I can't handle WWIII if I touch you.
I can't handle the fact that I am here 100% & 75% of you is with her.
I can't handle trying to be friends & then you don't play fair.

I just wanted you back in my life.
I just wanted you.
Simple as that.

But I can't have you.
You will never be mine to be had, no matter what you say.

Because I am the world's largest mess
& I love you too much.
Too much for it to be good for you.

It's definitely not good for me.

So if you find this, Isaac.
I'm sorry.
I fucked up so badly in inviting you back into this circle of Hell.
I hope that one day you can forgive me.

I doubt I'll forgive myself.

1,000 Little Blades

He thinks it's funny.
He jokes about "putting the moves" on me.
He has no way of knowing that I'd give almost anything for him to hold me again.

But I'm no one's rebound.
I'm not.

I love him.
Every stupid imperfection, every insensitive thing he says.
I love him for it all.
But I will not be his rebound.

Not after all of this.
I would rather die the Old Maid I am going to be, rather than let that happen.

But he jokes & even though I know it's not real, a part of me hopes.

Does he still love me?
Like, no bitch why the fuck would he love you?
Why the fuck would he even care about you?

He claims he broke up with me because he didn't want to get hurt.
Because he felt bad for not being a good boyfriend.

He broke my heart.
It's still fucking broken.
I stopped FEELING ANYTHING but my love for him & my hatred for myself.

I hate myself.
I do.

All because he didn't want to get hurt.
I don't blame him, not in the slightest.
Even though I probably should.
I just fucking love him so much.

Who gives a shit if I hurt as long as he has someone to lean on?
Never mind I don't really have anyone I can really truly lean on here.
As long as he is taken care of.

But he doesn't want that from me.
He's just trying to quench his loneliness.

Why do I do this to myself?

Ah well, as long as they don't see me bleed.

Ciao.

Good Surprises

He got my letter.

Almost a week after I sent it, but he got it.

We're talking again.

I can't express to you how I feel about it.
Imagine feeling ridiculously happy, completely terrified, hopelessly sad, & madly in love all at once.

You know how you usually build someone up in your mind?
You make them into this perfect super hero/god?

Well, obviously with my levels of crazy I did that to an extreme.

He's better than that.

I'm 100% fucked.

He's in love with this horrible girl who treated him like shit & it's the worst thing that I could imagine.
Because I love him so much.
He deserves the moon & the stars, love stronger than the tide.

Not someone who controlled & used him.

But that's love isn't it?
Standing on the side lines & being what they need?

It fucking hurts, no doubt, but what's the alternative?
Waste my life wondering how he is?
Imagining him laughing at me & waking up in a cold sweat?

I'll take this.

It's a slow death, but I'll take it.
Given the chance, I'd do it again & again.

Because he deserves to be adored & cherished.
Even if it's just by a friend.

Ciao for now!

The Thing Is ...

I remember loving him so much.
I remember driving 20 miles over the speed limit just to see him get an award.
I remember how fucking proud of him I was.
I know how proud of him I am now.
I love him.
Regardless of who he may be now & of the fact that we are basically strangers,
I love him more now than I did then.

Which is why I wrote that letter.

Sure, closure is nice, but if I'd wanted closure I would have told him the long & stupid story of what happened after he dumped me.

I wanted him back in my life.
I can put my feelings aside, I always do.
I need to know that he is okay & that he will be okay.

I won't, I know that, he's going to ignore my letter.
Maybe contact me in a few months when I've given up again.

But I want to.
I want to talk to him about his life again.

I'm dumb.
I know I am.

I am a strong, apparently mildly attractive woman who could have a pick of quite a few men if I bothered, but I don't because I know they're all the same.
But he is him & I've loved him more than I've loved anything & I guess I'll never move past that.

The issue is that I want both.
I want to forget that he exists, I want to forget that I gave up my own identity in order to love him more.
I want to hate him & curse his name & move past him.

But I don't.
Because deep down I want nothing more than to watch movies with him & listen to him talk about the importance of the proper amount of butter when making popcorn.
I want to hear about his new work in programming.
I want to have an adult friendship with my childhood love.

Because bless him, he's great.
I know he is.
He's an idiot, but aren't we all.

I'm not a foolish girl with a silly crush anymore.
I'm a grown ass woman who knows that despite all our short comings, we could be good friends again.
Without the petty shit, without the mind games, without tiptoeing around each other's feelings.

But it won't happen & I am just going to have to live with it.

He doesn't feel the tug in his chest that I feel.
The constant nagging that reminds me that he is there.

I miss him. More than anything I miss him.
His stupid face & his stupid eyes & his stupid smile.

Ah well.
I should be asleep.

Ciao for now!

Mistakes

I wrote Isaac a letter.
I know I'm an idiot. I'm MORE than aware of how much of an idiot I am.

(I'm going to apologize right now for any typos or shenanigans that happen in this post, I'm in the middle of getting hammered)

But anyways, I wrote him a letter telling him that I miss being his friend too & that I care about him, because I do.
I left out the fact that I'm still in love with him, I figured that wasn't necessary information.
Plus, I've said it a million times but I'm in love with who he used to be.
Lord knows, he's probably changed.

The worst bit is how I got his address.
Because although I could drive there with my eyes closed I don't actually know his address.

...

I Google Map-ed that shit.

...

I am insane.
But actually. I am crazy.

...

So I sent it. A real life friend request to the only person I shouldn't be friends with.

But here's the thing.
I needed closure.
Again.
Because he couldn't leave it very well alone & I can't either.
This was a horrible decision.

I can see it going one of 3 ways.

1. He reads it, understands that I'm 1000% crazy (yes I meant to type 1000% not 100%) & leave it be, probably laugh about it with his MLP collection *cringes*.

2. He reads it, contacts me, we are friends & eventually I'll do something stupid, he'll get moody & we'll stop being friends.

3. He reads it, contacts me, we are friends, we realize there's unresolved things, we date, I do something dumb, he gets moody & we break up & do this all over again.

None of these are pleasant endings but it's too late now.

He will have already received it or will be within the next few days.

OH MY GOODNESS!

Do you ever wonder if someone feels the same pull you do?
I wonder if he is drawn to me the way I feel drawn to him.
My heart has this tug, & it won't stop.
This constant ache for that ridiculous boy.
It pulls & pulls & pulls.

In other news, my car is a wreck again.
This day has been Hell.

This is my year to do stupid shit.
I tried being friends with Ian again.
I'm trying to be friends with Shaadiah again.
I'm trying to be friends with Isaac again.
I'm going to go bungee jumping, sky diving, cliff jumping, you name it, I'm going to do it.
Shit, I'm even going to go back to school so I can stop pretending that I am anything but a teacher.

You know who I really miss?
Collin.

I have no idea if I even told you about him but I met him over the summer & even though we only dated for a month he was the best guy I've ever dated.
Should he have told me he had to move when we started talking?
Sure.
But goodness he was perfect.

Oh well.

I'm going to go & continue to destroy my liver.

Ciao!

Follow Up

Side note, the doctor did not think I have cancer or that the lumps are anything to be concerned about so ... I will live to suffer another day. ;)

Hello From The Other Side

Oh hey!
Long time no post, as per usual my life has been a shit show of ridiculousness.
At this point, I don't even know what this blog was supposed to be about.
About the struggle of being "The Elephant in the Room" which is still a damn struggle, but there are worse things, you know?
Like having your place of employment horribly vandalized while the store was OPEN.
Or realizing that you have no idea what you're doing.
Or having an ex contact you out of the blue.
This time the ex that you treated like absolute shit.
The ex that is basically the most wonderful human being on this planet.
The ex you didn't want to date but did anyways & then dumped & were brutally honest with.
The ex you demanded a present back from.

I WAS THE WORLD'S LARGEST BITCH IN 2013

Dear goodness dear empty space of internet.

This poor man was kind to me when I wished that I were dead.
He loved me when I hated myself.
He went out of his way to see me & care for me when I didn't even try.
He introduced me to beautiful music.
I would not be alive today if it weren't for him.

But I was a dick.
Just SUCH a dick.

The guilt is horrible & then there's the fact that he told me he wasn't going to give up on me.
Which I mean, yeah we all say & yes it's been 3 years & yes he's dated other people but ...
He also said he loved me 1 month in & that's just ... unheard of ... for the most part.

Because there's me & I'm still in love with a boy that I haven't seen in almost 4 years.
& there's my roommate who is still in love with a man who is dead.

I'm not saying that I am in anyway comparable to these people, but ...
I am in love with a full on idiot, so there's that.

I just ... he is an amazing guy, he really is & I would adore to be friends with him but that's what I wanted the last time & then he said we were dating & I had no idea how to explain to someone that I had NO idea it was a date.
I DO NOT want to hurt him again. Even a little. Not one ounce of me wants anything but incredible happiness for him.
Because like I said, he is probably one of the most stellar people I know in this incredibly horrible world.

But we're older now & I am more aware of the world I am in.
So who knows.

Dear Lord, please do not let history repeat itself.

Also, can you please cut out the parts of me that the idiot owns?
The pain has been rather high as of late for no damn reason & I wish it would stop.

Ciao for now fools.