1,000 Little Blades

He thinks it's funny.
He jokes about "putting the moves" on me.
He has no way of knowing that I'd give almost anything for him to hold me again.

But I'm no one's rebound.
I'm not.

I love him.
Every stupid imperfection, every insensitive thing he says.
I love him for it all.
But I will not be his rebound.

Not after all of this.
I would rather die the Old Maid I am going to be, rather than let that happen.

But he jokes & even though I know it's not real, a part of me hopes.

Does he still love me?
Like, no bitch why the fuck would he love you?
Why the fuck would he even care about you?

He claims he broke up with me because he didn't want to get hurt.
Because he felt bad for not being a good boyfriend.

He broke my heart.
It's still fucking broken.
I stopped FEELING ANYTHING but my love for him & my hatred for myself.

I hate myself.
I do.

All because he didn't want to get hurt.
I don't blame him, not in the slightest.
Even though I probably should.
I just fucking love him so much.

Who gives a shit if I hurt as long as he has someone to lean on?
Never mind I don't really have anyone I can really truly lean on here.
As long as he is taken care of.

But he doesn't want that from me.
He's just trying to quench his loneliness.

Why do I do this to myself?

Ah well, as long as they don't see me bleed.

Ciao.