Back at It Again

He cut me out again.
After all this time, I really shouldn't be surprised, but I am.
& it hurts. Like it always does.
You'd think I'd get used to that too.
But I don't.

He's struggling, & things got confusing, I get that.
But why not talk about it?
Talk through it?
Why not just be honest & tell me I'm not what he wants?
He's allowed to not want me.
It sucks, but I understand.

FUCK do I understand.

& he's having surgery in a couple weeks.
It's taking everything in me to not call, or contact his family.
I can't sleep, I barely eat, I'm a wreck.
I'm just so worried.
Incredibly worried.

What if he dies?
What if I don't know?
What if I saw her at the funeral?

What if I just went through with it & disappear?

I don't know what to do with myself.
I just sit here & do my best to distract myself.
I've got 15 screens open on my computer & I'm playing video games.

Well, a padded cell isn't too bad, I guess.
I'm going to need it.