I Played Myself

Why?
I just read back to that fateful day & I just have to wonder, why?

I know why.
I know why I did it & I did it because it hurt too much not to.
But now it's done.
& I've done things & said things that have fucked me over big time.

I'm lost.
I'm lost because I keep forgetting who is more important.

I am.

Or more, I should be.
I haven't been, but I should be.

I shouldn't listen to him talk about her,
I shouldn't be there for him when I should be focusing on work.
I shouldn't want to do anything to please him.
But I do.
I fucking do because I love him.

He shouldn't tell me about her.
He shouldn't say those things to me.
He shouldn't.
But he does.

I'm addicted to him.
I'm addicted to the pleasure & the pain.
I'm addicted to how he can make me FEEL again.

Do you know how dangerous that is?
I haven't felt in 4 years.
I go back & I KNOW that I said I was over it, I know I said I was moving on,
But I wasn't.
Because if I did, I would still want to bone Aaron, I'd still have trouble meeting Eric's eyes.
But I don't, because it wasn't real.
Nothing has felt real, not like this.

I love the anguish.
I love hiding my tears.
I love being able to feel so goddamn alone.

I loved thinking that he cared enough.
& he doesn't which is 100% okay.
He shouldn't.
No one should care the way I care because it is destructive.
No one should put the world before themselves.

But I am literally a piece of shit.
Nothing more, nothing less.

& him.
LORD FUCKING HELP ME.

I was vulnerable.
SO. FUCKING. VULNERABLE.
I've never been so vulnerable in my life.
& I can laugh about it with my roommates & I can pretend it's all good.
But I exposed a part of myself I never have before.

& this is the consequence.
He can't handle this.
He can't handle me.

Well Sir, I can't handle you.
I can't handle WWIII if I touch you.
I can't handle the fact that I am here 100% & 75% of you is with her.
I can't handle trying to be friends & then you don't play fair.

I just wanted you back in my life.
I just wanted you.
Simple as that.

But I can't have you.
You will never be mine to be had, no matter what you say.

Because I am the world's largest mess
& I love you too much.
Too much for it to be good for you.

It's definitely not good for me.

So if you find this, Isaac.
I'm sorry.
I fucked up so badly in inviting you back into this circle of Hell.
I hope that one day you can forgive me.

I doubt I'll forgive myself.