Pure & Unadulterated

I hate how much I still love him.
& when I say that, I just hate that it hurts so much.
I am amazed that after all this time, after all the shit, I still love him.
I'm amazed that I am not bitter, I'm not wrecked.
Especially after what happened the last time.

But I'm a different person.
I know that.
I've grown & shifted & realized what's important.
What's important is love.

That's it.
It's not a hard concept to wrap one's mind around.

I woke up crying today.

Today 2 years ago I lost Aunt.
The only member of my family who made me feel like I mattered in the slightest.
I never even told her how I felt.
Never had the chance to say goodbye.
All I have left is a voicemail that she left me on my birthday.
One I never replied to.

In less than a week, the man I love is going to have serious surgery & I can't be there.
I can't even ask how he is.
I can't do a damn thing.

It's killing me.
I don't know what I'd do if he dies.

I'm better for having been through what I've been through,
I've grown & discovered what it really means to love.
But I wish that it wouldn't hurt.
I wish that it were FOR something.
I wish he knew how truly & deeply he is loved & that it's what he deserves.

No one deserves anything less than pure unadulterated love.

But that's just my opinion.