Let The Record Show ...

I just wanted to be happy.
May the record show, that everything I did, I did to be happy.

I just ...
I knew it. I knew that this was a horrible idea.
I ran down the hall before I could second guess myself.
This is the price I pay.

I loved him.
My heart still wants him.
But I KNOW better.
I fucking know better.

He still loves her.
He lied to me & to himself & now I have to pick up the pieces.

Do you want to know what he asked me to do?
I'm a virgin by choice.
I've had countless opportunities to change that.
But I want it to MEAN something.
Because it's important to me.
It's honestly the only thing about myself that I care about.
& he asked me to sleep with him.
So he could get over her.

...
...
...

Can we just take a second?

Or a thousand?

How fucking dare he.

It happened a couple days ago & I forgive him, but that changed a lot of things for me.

Because what kind of person says something like that to someone he "cares" about.

It honestly makes me sick to my stomach.
I told him I loved him.
& that's what I got in return.

I can't do this.

But I can't be without him.

But I'll have to because there's no other way.

I can't breathe.
I love him so much.
I am going to miss him so fucking much.

But he doesn't give a shit.
I know he wants to but he doesn't & that's not enough for me.
That will never be enough for me.

I thought he'd changed.
We were talking & before we got into the emotional, I thought he'd changed.

But he's the same guy.

& I'm not the same girl.

The girl he knew died 3.5 years ago.

& now I'm just going to have to pick up all the pieces.


DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE ICING ON THE CAKE?!?

I got in an accident 2 days ago.
I have a mild concussion.
I was in the hospital & he had the audacity to tell me that I make HIM sad.

Isaac, if you ever find this, you don't know what sadness is.
I know you said you were joking, but it's not fucking funny.
You HURT ME.
Every mother fucking day you wasted my time & hurt me.

I am a wreck over here & someone who wanted to be my boyfriend a week ago needed me to comfort him when it should be the other way around.

I keep reliving the accident.
I can't do this.
I just can't.