It's Over ... Again

I'm not upset anymore.
The first few days I was inconsolable.
But here's the thing,
I knew he wasn't even remotely over her, no matter how he acted towards me.
Was it shitty of him?
Of course it was.
But I love him.
It's that simple.
I just fucking love him.
So it really doesn't matter, as long as he's happy.

I could get bitter.
I could go to his house & ruin his life & make a scene & talk about how badly he's treated me.
But it honestly would not matter.
It'd just make things worse.

It's not his fault he doesn't have feelings for me,
He's not required to.
Should he have been more clear about it?
Sure.
Should he have been the one to tell me about all this?
Yes.
But he didn't & that's just fucking life.
I don't have the time to waste on people who don't care about me.
I miss him.
DAMN do I miss that boy, but there's nothing I can do,
Nothing I could have said to make him stay.
& it won't be like last time.
I won't lie to myself & hope that one day he'll come back.
He's not coming back.
He's just not that into me.
& I have to live with that.

I hope things work out for him.
I hope he remembers everything I told him because I meant them.
He's meant for so much more than this life he's cut out for himself.
He's got some fucked up shit going on in his mind, but he's good deep in there somewhere.

I'm just glad I never took him into my life.
I can just keep living my life & not have to remember him wherever I go.
Compartmentalizing the fuck out of that shit.

I'm so worried about him, you guys.
I'm so worried he is going to die on that operating table & I won't have the chance to say goodbye.
I'll just be sobbing in the back of his funeral, hiding from her, from all of them.
I can't lose him.
It's fine if he's not in my life, as long as he's alive.
That's all I fucking care about.
I just want him happy & alive.