The Thing Is ...

I remember loving him so much.
I remember driving 20 miles over the speed limit just to see him get an award.
I remember how fucking proud of him I was.
I know how proud of him I am now.
I love him.
Regardless of who he may be now & of the fact that we are basically strangers,
I love him more now than I did then.

Which is why I wrote that letter.

Sure, closure is nice, but if I'd wanted closure I would have told him the long & stupid story of what happened after he dumped me.

I wanted him back in my life.
I can put my feelings aside, I always do.
I need to know that he is okay & that he will be okay.

I won't, I know that, he's going to ignore my letter.
Maybe contact me in a few months when I've given up again.

But I want to.
I want to talk to him about his life again.

I'm dumb.
I know I am.

I am a strong, apparently mildly attractive woman who could have a pick of quite a few men if I bothered, but I don't because I know they're all the same.
But he is him & I've loved him more than I've loved anything & I guess I'll never move past that.

The issue is that I want both.
I want to forget that he exists, I want to forget that I gave up my own identity in order to love him more.
I want to hate him & curse his name & move past him.

But I don't.
Because deep down I want nothing more than to watch movies with him & listen to him talk about the importance of the proper amount of butter when making popcorn.
I want to hear about his new work in programming.
I want to have an adult friendship with my childhood love.

Because bless him, he's great.
I know he is.
He's an idiot, but aren't we all.

I'm not a foolish girl with a silly crush anymore.
I'm a grown ass woman who knows that despite all our short comings, we could be good friends again.
Without the petty shit, without the mind games, without tiptoeing around each other's feelings.

But it won't happen & I am just going to have to live with it.

He doesn't feel the tug in his chest that I feel.
The constant nagging that reminds me that he is there.

I miss him. More than anything I miss him.
His stupid face & his stupid eyes & his stupid smile.

Ah well.
I should be asleep.

Ciao for now!