Time To Restart ... Again ...

I'm doing a restart ... you know ... again ...
I've done this a million times & never gotten anywhere with it, but honestly, I don't care.
Okay, no, I do care.
That's the point.

I've spent my whole entire life waiting.
Waiting for Isaac to come back.
Waiting for my parents to nurture me.
Waiting for the perfect job to fall in my lap.
Waiting for everything to work itself out.

It's not going to happen by itself.
Nothing ever will.
So this is me, saying screw it.
Here we go again, I'm going to be the best I can be each & everyday.
Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't.
The point is that I'm DOING something.

"Do, or do not. There is no try."
-Yoda

Boredom

Do you ever find yourself getting bored by none other than yourself?
Because everyday just has felt commonplace.
Perhaps it's because I've only been going to rehearsal, but honestly I am incredibly bored.
I am sure it is also due to lack of sleep.
I just feel as though I am becoming complacent in my life & although that's not necessarily a bad thing, I am 20 years old.
The last thing I should be doing is becoming complacent.
I'm also sick ... which you know is fantastic.
Ugh.
I need to go to bed.
I work at 10 ... poop.
I've been trying really hard to be deep but my brain has been turning to mush.
Also, like I said yesterday, my bestie shuts it down with her never ending criticism.
But I love her more than words can say so I'll accept it.
Ugh.
To get ready for bed I go.
Yippee.
Ciao!

My Best Friend

I love my best friend, I do, but she does not understand a lot of things I love.
Hugs for one, however that is a complicated love now ...
Star Trek, Star Wars, Doctor Who, Sherlock, basically everything nerdy except for Harry Potter.
& real intellectual writing.
Which is something I really like to write.
She would much rather read some kinky fan-fiction than something that actually makes her think.
Which is fine, it's just ... she doesn't get it.
It was a rough draft, basically I just started writing & she was trying to critique my form.
I love her but she drives me crazy.
Also, her choice in music is honestly so bland I'm going to cry.
She also tries incredibly hard to appear like she doesn't care what anyone else thinks.
But ... If you don't care ... why do you try so hard?
She has this whole list in her head of things not to do because it makes you look "Basic" ...
But that's none of my business. ;)

Ugh.
I am in crush city which is the worst.
I think I'm doing well at not being too obvious.
Then again, I am myself so it's probably shameful.
Oh well, I've been far worse before.
I am also realizing how infantile my language is.
Just another thing to add to my list of things to work on.

Tomorrow is bowling with my Build-A-Bear family & I'm excited.
But I must go to bed.
Ciao!

The First Time ...

It's incredibly interesting to see someone's reaction to first seeing my arms.
My roommate & one of my closest friends saw them for the first time up close, & her reaction was that of shock & concern.
I'm in a show currently where I get abused pretty badly & I've come home with bruises & stuff, so her first instinct was to take me to the doctor because she thought it was someone else.
Now, the mark that concerned her most was a pretty big one with a large scab.
I've told her about my O.C.D. & how in times of stress/distress it acts up a lot more.
She had no idea.
The funniest part about it was that I know she wanted to lecture me, but she'd heard me complain about my other roommate telling me that I have to stop.
I can't stop.
Maybe if I took the right medicine & lived in a world of happiness & rainbows, I could, but that doesn't exist.
My Great Aunt just died & I loved that woman more than many would know.
I'm pretty sure I made a post on here about her.
Her death took me down although no one could see it.
My internal pain then manifested itself in a need to pick my arms.
So I did.
It's just ... it's crazy to see people connect the dots.
I don't mind, honestly I find it very educational just to see how different people react.
Truly, if you need to pass judgement on me to make yourself feel better, please do.
I don't live my life for your benefit.
Maybe I internalize my stresses & pains for you but really, who doesn't?
We've been programmed to do that.
Sad as that is, it's true.
Anyways, I should REALLY be in bed ...
I don't sleep properly anymore.
If I thought what I did in the past was bad ... well ... Let's just say it's getting worse.
OH!
& love yourself, please.
I've been forgetting a lot recently.
Ciao!

Love Yourself

Hello, long time no chat.
So I've discovered some really great stuff since I last posted.
First & foremost in my mind is that positivity is everything.
Part of the workout video I'd been doing was a meditation bit where we put our hands over our hearts & said, "I love myself, I trust myself, I will be myself."
Simple, yet I realized how incredibly effective it is.
Because even if you don't feel it, it still helps.
So everyday I make it a point to tell myself that I love myself.
It's hard, especially when I have all these negative feelings inside.
But it really helps.
So please, remember to love yourself.

Second in my mind is that I REALLY do not have a type.
Well ... My type is people who make me smile/laugh.
You know what this means!
I HAVE A SHOW CRUSH.
A really, horrible, no good, very bad, never going to happen in a million years, show crush.
He's old.
Not old old but old enough that it makes me feel stupid.
I have no idea what it is about him ... But he makes me laugh & so here we are.

Anyways, this show/haunted house thing is doing wonders for me.
I bike an hour a day, then we're working up a sweat running around & making fools of ourselves.
So I'm working out so so so much.
But I'm also not sleeping enough, so there's that.
However, I'm really enjoying myself.
I feel like I'm in 8th grade again.
Everyone is of drinking age though which is awko taco ... whoops!
I should hop in the shower & go to bed.

Love yourself.

Slippery Slope

So to help with my weight loss I've been using an app called My Fitness Pal.
It really seems to b working for me, though not as well as I was hoping.
There were a few days when I wasn't eating enough calories, I almost passed out so I had to cut back on my work out.
However ... That means I haven't done it in a while.
I'm still biking though, but it's not enough, I know that.
I've lost 1.5 lb. so far, but that's not enough for me.
My flatmates are worried about me.
I just want to be my old self again.
Is that so much to ask?
I've gone up like 2 pants sizes.
I hate it.
I need to do my work out everyday, I know I do, it's just hard.
However, I go on vacation soon, so I'm super excited about that.
Ciao!

How To Live

You know, it's amazing.
When I lived at home, I couldn't live how I wanted.
Today, I did nothing until 4 p.m.
Not. A. Thing.
I worked out, I cleaned my entire kitchen, & I put away all my clothes.
I did all of that before 10 p.m.
I even watched 2 movies.
I am the queen.
Okay, not really, but I love that I can make that choice now.
But right now I'm so tired I could die.
I don't want to do anything now.
It's like a roller coaster.
Who cares.
Ciao!

I DID IT!!!!

I don't think I mentioned this, I thought I had but looking back I can't see anything,
But I auditioned for a paid theater thing & ...
I GOT IT!!!
I can't believe it, just yesterday I was trying to find something for me to do.
I'm sick of going from work to home & that being it.
I need to be with people.
Now I'm going to be in a show.
& paid for it.
I'm so happy I could cry.
Life is looking up for me.
Who knew?
I've made little changes & it's all better now.
Thank God.
Here's to a better tomorrow.
Ciao!

Getting It Together

So I've worked out everyday for the past 4 days which is a record for me.
I'm back to taking my medicine.
However, I found out Isaac's heart is still acting up by way of Vicky & ...
I picked my arms until they bled.
So we've got our pluses & our minuses.
I mean, I'm over him, but I worry, it's what I do.
He also doesn't take care of himself & that's also a thing.
But I'm feeling much better about myself & life since I've been able to commit to my new lifestyle.
However I haven't been eating a lot so ...
THEN AGAIN.
I've been eating WAY too much the past 5 months so ... It'll balance itself out.
Now all I need to do is get back into theater or SOMETHING that has to do with music.
Seriously, a choir, show, female quartet, ANYTHING.
I'm going stir crazy.
I know, I said that before, but honestly just going to work & coming straight home is killing me.
Well, keep it real, I should probably head to bed soon.
Here's to hoping I can stick to this.
Ciao!

So. Out. Of. Shape.

I did my workout video today.
I felt my skin pinch together when I bent over.
I hate my body.
I hate that I'm still awake.
I want to be asleep.
Why am I awake.
I want to be amazing & I'm not.
Why.
Why.
Why.

124 Crossword Puzzles!!!

Okay I know it's lame, but I've had this book for almost 2 years & now it's done & I'm just so proud of myself.
I did 124 Crossword Puzzles.
I actually finished the book.
Never have I ever finished an entire activity book.

I've been taking steps to make my life better.

Shaadiah & I are officially no longer friends.

She did not take it well ... 

Which I guess could be to expected but honestly I haven't spoken to her in so long ... 

We haven't been friends in God knows how long. 

Why does it matter all of sudden?

It feels good to have that all off my chest.

I'm also letting go of my hatreds.

My resentment for my parents, my siblings, St. Catherine University, all of it.

It's not healthy & the sooner I let it go, the sooner I can move on.

The only thing I can't let go is this wretched self hatred.

It just sits here on my back day after day, reminding me how terrible I am.

I spoke to my coworker with Special Needs like a child today.

How. Could. I. Have. Done. That.

How could I have been such an ignorant imbecile?!

I KNOW better, & yet I did it anyways.

I can't tell you how much I hate myself for that.

I would backhand anyone who spoke to my brother in that way.

Honestly, it wasn't even that bad, I just called him "Bud" but still.

He is deserves far better than that.

Not just that, but I don't eat well, I don't sleep well, I don't work out, I don't DO anything.

I KNOW better. But I still do it anyways.

WHY?!? Why do I do this?

It makes me especially angry because I have so much ambition.

So much potential & I waste it.

I just waste it.

In other news, I am listening to Everything But The Girl.

I forgot how much I loved this band.

Seriously.

There was a summer I only listened to their Amplified Heart album.

I even used it to make my ex jealous.

Goodness I was an idiot in middle school.

I don't think he even knew either which is even more embarrassing.

The hardest thing about growing up & moving past old resentment is finally having the time to focus on me.

Because it just makes me realize how messed up I am.
Now that I have the freedom to do as I choose, I choose to do nothing.
I want to do it but I just don't.
Because doing something else is easier.
That my dear people is the root of my problem.

So I'll keep on trying I guess.
We'll see.
Ciao for now!

The World Keeps Turning

The passion is coming back slowly.
I made a really nice necklace, that I am incredibly proud of.
I'm only working 42 hours this week & it seems to be helping a lot.
I'll miss the money, but life is definitely about more than money.
So. Much. More.
I've seen a few movies since I last posted.
The Fault In Our Stars being one of them (of course).
As always, I have so much to say about it.
I've come to the conclusion I was in love. Properly in love, not just teenager in love.
I would have taken care of Isaac until the end of time.
Reminding him to take his medicine, making sure he went to the doctor when his knee acted up, convincing him that eating healthy did once in a while wouldn't kill him.
I could have done it forever.
Being able to love someone when you have seen them at their absolute worst is what it's all about.
If anyone tries to tell you differently, they're wrong.
Love is not conditional, though we all seem to believe it is.
Love is selfless.
However, just because it's love, doesn't mean that we were meant to be.
It's obvious to me now that the last person I should end up with is Isaac.
So thank you, friend for OUR little infinity.
The other movie I saw was How To Train Your Dragon 2.
It goes without saying I bawled my eyes out.
The entire story can replace the way we look at dogs.
Not only that, but just the tale of finding yourself, finding your place in the world.
I won't post any spoilers, but it was touching, heart wrenching, & flawless.
The message I got from it, was explore.
Explore who you are, what you want, who you want to be.
That & family is important.
Which is a hard message for me to entertain.
Qutos to both writers & directors, actors, animators, everyone.
So powerful.
Can you imagine having the power to take unimaginative, sad, rundown, hopeless, angry people & make them happy?
To make them forget their lives for once & think about someone else for an hour or two?
It's all I can hope to achieve.
My passion is coming & going.
Had an audition for a paid haunted house today, in fact I'm still covered in dirt & sawdust from crawling on the floor.
I'm not sure how it went, Vicky says they liked me, I have no idea.
I really hope I got it.
Not just for the money, but because I miss improv theater.
Those were some of my best days spent in class doing whatever.
Also, I'll be able to interact with people & that's something I need to do more often.
I've missed this, feeling inspired.
I just hope it stays.
Ciao for now!

Passionless

I've just realized.
I have no passion for anything.
I feel like I might have said this before but ...
I don't care about anything.
Not about singing, not about writing, not about making jewelry, or reading, or anything even remotely productive.
All I want to do is sit here & watch T.V. until I die.
Actually, what I really want is oblivion.
I want to no longer exist.
Because then I won't have to ask myself the hard questions.
I won't have to face up to the fact that I am a failure.
I won't have to acknowledge the fact that I am living my worst nightmare.
I won't have to deal with the nagging in my head reminding me that all of this is my fault.
I just wouldn't exist.
It's all I want.
But it's not that simple. It's never that simple.
I went to the swings tonight ... It was the closest I've gotten to feeling anything in a long time.
But it wasn't enough.
It wasn't what it used to be.
I have no happiness.
I am passionless.

State of Affairs

Let me just break a few things down here for you.
I hate myself.
I don't really know why, I don;t know how to fix it, but I hate myself.
I'm past the depression point of my condition & come to the, "You are not who I want you to be."
There is not a thing I can do about it.
That's a lie.
There are so many things I could do about it.
But for one reason or another, I find that I am unable/unwilling.
Which just deepens my self loathing.
The absolute worst part about it is, I know.
I know what I can be.
There was a point in my life when I LOVED MYSELF.
I adored the ground I walked on.
I was exactly who I wanted to be.
Back when I didn't feel the need to have a boy.
Back before Isaac.
Not one piece of this is his fault.
Don't you ever think for one second that I blame him for anything.
Only insecure, idiotic children blame their exs for the bad things that happen after a break up.
It's my own fault I made him my everything.
It's my own fault I wanted so badly to be in love.
This is the main reason I hate myself.
Because if I had focused less on making him happy, & more on being happy myself, I wouldn't be here.
Or maybe I would.
I have no idea.
But I sit here every night & I just hate myself.
I hate my body.
I hate my actions.
I hate my personality.
I hate it all.
So I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm not who I want to be.
I'm sorry that I am a mess.
Please.
Bear with me.
I'm just trying to find my way again.

My Revelation

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT!!!!!!!!!!!
At all.
In any way.
What I want in a guy.
If I even want a guy right now.
What I want to do for the rest of my life.
If I want to even go back to college.

I DON'T KNOW A DAMN THING!!!!
& THAT'S OKAY!!!!

Ciao for now.

Goals:

-Sleep schedule (in bed by 12 a.m. awake by 8 a.m.).
-Go to church as often as possible (always on Sundays).
-Do work out video everyday.
-Eat real food (i.e. salad, COOK food, etc.).
-Less obsessing over T.V. Shows (3 episodes a day tops).
-Take meds.
-Do at least one chore a day.

That seems like a good start right?
Sorry, I couldn't just leave it there.
Who knows, maybe I'll stick to this one.
I know no one reads this, but if anyone stumbles upon this, could you pray for me?
I need prayers.
Please.

Ciao for now.

Laying in the Wreckage

Guys.
I am so incredibly pathetic.
I don't love him.
I just ... AM THIRSTY!!!!!!
SO. FREAKING. THIRSTY.
For those of you who don't know that term, it means I have been single for over a year.
I miss boys.
I see a cute one & I lose my mind.
It's not that I need them.
Let's be real, I'm better off without them.
But I feel like I could move past everything if I had a chance to be in love again.
Love. I just really want to be in love again.
& here I am.
Laying in the wreckage.
I am an emotional mess.
I want to be okay guys.
I really really do.
Truth is, I'm lost.
Truth is, I'm not the girl I want to be.
No one else knows.
I keep making promises to myself, but I never keep them.
I look in the mirror & I hate myself.
But I love myself.
But I loath myself.
I haven't been to church in so long.
That's the biggest thing I think.
I've lost my way.
But I'm done.
Just done.
Ciao for now.

Pain

I'm in crazy like with a boy.
I've probably mentioned him before but ... He has a girlfriend so obviously I can't flirt or anything, but ... I mean ... He is flawless.
My heart is aching just thinking about him.
He's going off to the army soon.
I'm so worried about him.
I just ... I am crazy about him.
I don't think I've ever been so attracted to anyone in my life.
Jeez.
Ciao for now.

Stir Crazy

I was home alone for so long ...
It'll be better when we actually have things to do,
But all my books & things are still boxed up.
We're getting a couch tomorrow, so that'll be nice.
I'm re watching Pokemon.
But I should go to bed.
Ciao for now!

Oh Doctors ...

So I took my roommate to the doctor this morning.
It was ... interesting ... I wasn't in there but she had much to share.
I have all but the final Harry Potter book.
Today is Ash Wednesday.
I am giving up pop.
It's going to be hard, especially since we have like ... 5 twelve packs in the apartment ... Oh well.
That's what Lent is about.
Sacrifice.
I love this time of year.
Anyways, I'm working on typing up & finishing a story I started a long time ago.
Off to church!
Ciao for now!

Hello Again!

So, I spent the day watching One Tree Hill (yeah I've moved on to that).
& writing a letter to a friend, yes there are people who still do that.
So it's Fat Tuesday ... I forgot ... Oh well.
I'm taking my roommate to the doctors tomorrow, then we'll go to church.
A group of my internet friends are making a paper,
I'm so excited to be a part of it.
It feels so good to have a day off.
I just ... Next week is going to be crazy, so I'm enjoying it whilst I can.
I've gotten another job offer ... I am looking for another one I just ...
I've got 3 places I'm looking at. All pretty close to my apartment so ... Who knows.
I'm going to do my damnedest to get Phippy back before May.
Anyways, I'll see you in the morning.
Ciao for now!

Sooo ... Long Time ...

HI!
So a lot has changed ... If you couldn't tell by my background.
I MOVED INTO MY OWN PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!
I have the best roommates ever, & the place is actually pretty great.
My life has never been so at ease.
Other than dealing with not having as much money as before ...
But honestly, it's been fine & dandy.
Well, we've been having a sleepover every night.
Which sounds amazing ... except ... no sleep.
I woke up at 12:30 pm today. Fell asleep around 2 am.
But no one could tell me to wake up, no one could tell me how to live my life.
I love it.
I haven't ever felt this free.
It's the greatest feeling in the world.
So I'm back & because I've been gone for so long, I'll be posting twice a day.
Not that anyone out there cares, but I will.

Near Death Experience

We got in a car accident today.
We did a full 360 on the highway.
I was the only one who really was unaffected ... I have nerves of steel.
I probably have pneumonia, they just didn't want to do the tests ... or I didn't ...
We went to the doctor near Isaac's house.
Couldn't have cared less.
I've grown so much in the past 6 months.
I don't want to work. I just want to sleep forever.
We're on The Hound of Baskerville.
I love this show.
Ciao for now.

Partially Dead

I may have been dead yesterday.
Sorry about that.
I've been so sick I fall asleep in random places.
I'm re-watching Sherlock.
It's beautiful.
We've met The Woman.
So perfect.

Help Wanted: A Voice

I lost my voice.
Today has been fun.
I had a neurologist tell me my only option is botox ... yes, I am 19 years old.
I got stuck in a snow bank ... but got out like a boss.
I found mold in a salad at Davani's ... BEFORE I ate it.
I've had 2 cups of tea ... & I took 2 baths.
Honestly, I feel so sick.
& I work tomorrow.
I WANTED A HAIRCUT!!!!!
My family all went out tonight & left me here to clean ... even though I'm sick.
In other news ... We probably got the apartment ...
But I can't celebrate yet until we've moved in.
Sooo ... TEA!!!
Ciao for now!

Can't.

I'm still sick.
& tired.
& my family is crazy.
I'm sorry.
Ciao for now.

PICTURES!!!!

HERE ARE THE PICTURES I PROMISED!!!

... We were front right against the barricade.

I was so squished. But it was awesome. I got to feel the residue of the air canons. 

It was epic.

But it was so cold & I couldn't move for a bit.

I'm too tired to live today.

But it was awesome.

I got to meet both opening bands. Ambassador X & The Colorist.

They were awesome. I got high fives.