I've been taking steps to make my life better.

Shaadiah & I are officially no longer friends.

She did not take it well ... 

Which I guess could be to expected but honestly I haven't spoken to her in so long ... 

We haven't been friends in God knows how long. 

Why does it matter all of sudden?

It feels good to have that all off my chest.

I'm also letting go of my hatreds.

My resentment for my parents, my siblings, St. Catherine University, all of it.

It's not healthy & the sooner I let it go, the sooner I can move on.

The only thing I can't let go is this wretched self hatred.

It just sits here on my back day after day, reminding me how terrible I am.

I spoke to my coworker with Special Needs like a child today.

How. Could. I. Have. Done. That.

How could I have been such an ignorant imbecile?!

I KNOW better, & yet I did it anyways.

I can't tell you how much I hate myself for that.

I would backhand anyone who spoke to my brother in that way.

Honestly, it wasn't even that bad, I just called him "Bud" but still.

He is deserves far better than that.

Not just that, but I don't eat well, I don't sleep well, I don't work out, I don't DO anything.

I KNOW better. But I still do it anyways.

WHY?!? Why do I do this?

It makes me especially angry because I have so much ambition.

So much potential & I waste it.

I just waste it.

In other news, I am listening to Everything But The Girl.

I forgot how much I loved this band.

Seriously.

There was a summer I only listened to their Amplified Heart album.

I even used it to make my ex jealous.

Goodness I was an idiot in middle school.

I don't think he even knew either which is even more embarrassing.

The hardest thing about growing up & moving past old resentment is finally having the time to focus on me.

Because it just makes me realize how messed up I am.
Now that I have the freedom to do as I choose, I choose to do nothing.
I want to do it but I just don't.
Because doing something else is easier.
That my dear people is the root of my problem.

So I'll keep on trying I guess.
We'll see.
Ciao for now!