State of Affairs

Let me just break a few things down here for you.
I hate myself.
I don't really know why, I don;t know how to fix it, but I hate myself.
I'm past the depression point of my condition & come to the, "You are not who I want you to be."
There is not a thing I can do about it.
That's a lie.
There are so many things I could do about it.
But for one reason or another, I find that I am unable/unwilling.
Which just deepens my self loathing.
The absolute worst part about it is, I know.
I know what I can be.
There was a point in my life when I LOVED MYSELF.
I adored the ground I walked on.
I was exactly who I wanted to be.
Back when I didn't feel the need to have a boy.
Back before Isaac.
Not one piece of this is his fault.
Don't you ever think for one second that I blame him for anything.
Only insecure, idiotic children blame their exs for the bad things that happen after a break up.
It's my own fault I made him my everything.
It's my own fault I wanted so badly to be in love.
This is the main reason I hate myself.
Because if I had focused less on making him happy, & more on being happy myself, I wouldn't be here.
Or maybe I would.
I have no idea.
But I sit here every night & I just hate myself.
I hate my body.
I hate my actions.
I hate my personality.
I hate it all.
So I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm not who I want to be.
I'm sorry that I am a mess.
Please.
Bear with me.
I'm just trying to find my way again.