Another Hard Day

You know, I SWEAR I'm bipolar. I was fine all morning. I was productive, I revised my paper, I paid full attention in Psychology, nailed my Music Skills test (I think), went to yoga, but I got on the bus & I died.
I lost my purity rings. They're gone.
You have no idea how fluffing hard this is for me. When I forget to wear them I can't breathe.
Now ... I feel lost without them ...
I wouldn't say I'm materialistic, but there are certain items I cannot go without wearing.
They support me, they remind me who I am, everything I've gone through, & the strength I have.
So now I must search for replacements ... maybe ones that actually fit my fingers.
I got home & cleaned. I gave my dog a bath, folded laundry, but the second my family got home, I lost it.
I called my younger brother horrible names, I threw my little sister's things all over her bed, took things off the walls, & halfway through that process I realized what I was doing.
& I just stood there, the way  always do, back arched, & eyes buried in the edge of my bed, sobbing quietly, because I hate other people knowing I'm crying. It's easier over internet, just as everything is.
My first nervous break down of my official college career.
I am just ridiculously stressed & anytime I give in to my urges, I collapse. It's now almost 1 a.m. & I haven't done a stitch of homework since I got home.
I almost got into 2 car accidents tonight ... It doesn't help that I haven't been taking my medicine ... I think it might be a week since I took it now ... OOPS.

A few weeks ago I was angry because someone told me I was playing the victim ... well, I know now that I am.
Maybe I wasn't before, but I most certainly am now.
He is honestly all I can think about. I see a cute guy & I wonder how he would feel about him, what he would say ... I miss him. I want to drop off a Dr. Pepper at his house, but I don't know if I am strong enough to do that yet. Not without making a scene which is the last thing I want.
I've been writing poetry like crazy though. Mostly about him ... but like I said, my mind is on a loop.
"I'm ugly, I miss him, I love him, this hurts, I can't breathe, I'm getting fat, I'm failing all my classes, I won't get the job, I will be alone forever, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I love him. SO MUCH!!! I'm angry, I'm SO angry, I'm hurt, I'm stressed, I'm hurt, I can't breathe, I miss him, I love him."
24/7, that's all I hear from myself & it's pathetic. I am a pathetic excuse for a being.
So, I was going to work on my paper, but I can't see straight.

OH! On top of my fantastic problems, I am getting botox today!
Thought my jaw was better? Think again! I can barely chew, so I'm getting 3 muscles in my right jaw joint temporarily paralyzed because then I can also wear the rubber bands for my braces so I can finally get them off!!!

I turned in my resume to Build-A-Bear Workshop today ... My best friend told me that I basically have a job there because she's been promoting me & such. If I get this job, it's going to help me so much. SO much.

I just need to start taking my medicine again, get real sleep, & stop feeling bad for myself.
I am hot. Everyone tells me so & when I'm not in front of a mirror that goes passed my waist, I think so too. I just ... I hate my lower half. I always have & recently I'd been able to love it but ... I've not been myself, I haven't been taking care of myself so obviously I'm not going to look good.

To finish my long story from above, I fixed everything I took apart of my little sister's, & apologized to the both of them because they don't deserve any of that & my doing what I did, make me into my parents, which is the complete opposite of what I want to be.

I have a long way to go, a VERY long way to go, but I think I' might be okay. As long as I don't have anymore days like this, because I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Ciao bellos! Wish me luck today with everything.