Pure & Unadulterated

I hate how much I still love him.
& when I say that, I just hate that it hurts so much.
I am amazed that after all this time, after all the shit, I still love him.
I'm amazed that I am not bitter, I'm not wrecked.
Especially after what happened the last time.

But I'm a different person.
I know that.
I've grown & shifted & realized what's important.
What's important is love.

That's it.
It's not a hard concept to wrap one's mind around.

I woke up crying today.

Today 2 years ago I lost Aunt.
The only member of my family who made me feel like I mattered in the slightest.
I never even told her how I felt.
Never had the chance to say goodbye.
All I have left is a voicemail that she left me on my birthday.
One I never replied to.

In less than a week, the man I love is going to have serious surgery & I can't be there.
I can't even ask how he is.
I can't do a damn thing.

It's killing me.
I don't know what I'd do if he dies.

I'm better for having been through what I've been through,
I've grown & discovered what it really means to love.
But I wish that it wouldn't hurt.
I wish that it were FOR something.
I wish he knew how truly & deeply he is loved & that it's what he deserves.

No one deserves anything less than pure unadulterated love.

But that's just my opinion.

It's Over ... Again

I'm not upset anymore.
The first few days I was inconsolable.
But here's the thing,
I knew he wasn't even remotely over her, no matter how he acted towards me.
Was it shitty of him?
Of course it was.
But I love him.
It's that simple.
I just fucking love him.
So it really doesn't matter, as long as he's happy.

I could get bitter.
I could go to his house & ruin his life & make a scene & talk about how badly he's treated me.
But it honestly would not matter.
It'd just make things worse.

It's not his fault he doesn't have feelings for me,
He's not required to.
Should he have been more clear about it?
Sure.
Should he have been the one to tell me about all this?
Yes.
But he didn't & that's just fucking life.
I don't have the time to waste on people who don't care about me.
I miss him.
DAMN do I miss that boy, but there's nothing I can do,
Nothing I could have said to make him stay.
& it won't be like last time.
I won't lie to myself & hope that one day he'll come back.
He's not coming back.
He's just not that into me.
& I have to live with that.

I hope things work out for him.
I hope he remembers everything I told him because I meant them.
He's meant for so much more than this life he's cut out for himself.
He's got some fucked up shit going on in his mind, but he's good deep in there somewhere.

I'm just glad I never took him into my life.
I can just keep living my life & not have to remember him wherever I go.
Compartmentalizing the fuck out of that shit.

I'm so worried about him, you guys.
I'm so worried he is going to die on that operating table & I won't have the chance to say goodbye.
I'll just be sobbing in the back of his funeral, hiding from her, from all of them.
I can't lose him.
It's fine if he's not in my life, as long as he's alive.
That's all I fucking care about.
I just want him happy & alive.

The Darkness Is Closing In

I think the hardest part about it is knowing that I love him & he doesn't love me.
There's nothing to be done about it, no words that can make it change, but it hurts.
It hurts knowing that there is someone else who can make him feel the way I feel for him.
The way he never felt for me.
He may have once upon a time, but not the same way.
Never the same way.
He was my world, I was just his island.

Ian asked me if I could see myself dating him again.

What do I even say?
I've been clear. I've been more than clear.
How did this happen?
At what point did being a good friend translate into being interested in a relationship?

& no, it's not comparable to Isaac & I.
I told Isaac how I felt. Ian did not. I assumed, but he did not say.
I told Ian how I felt. Less than a month ago I told him I still had feelings for Isaac.
I did not make out with Ian.
I did not tell him I wanted to be with him & then talk about Isaac.

It's not the same.
Not even a little.

I won't lie to you, my little empty space of internet,
I'm in a very dark place & I don't think anyone really knows how dark.

Back at It Again

He cut me out again.
After all this time, I really shouldn't be surprised, but I am.
& it hurts. Like it always does.
You'd think I'd get used to that too.
But I don't.

He's struggling, & things got confusing, I get that.
But why not talk about it?
Talk through it?
Why not just be honest & tell me I'm not what he wants?
He's allowed to not want me.
It sucks, but I understand.

FUCK do I understand.

& he's having surgery in a couple weeks.
It's taking everything in me to not call, or contact his family.
I can't sleep, I barely eat, I'm a wreck.
I'm just so worried.
Incredibly worried.

What if he dies?
What if I don't know?
What if I saw her at the funeral?

What if I just went through with it & disappear?

I don't know what to do with myself.
I just sit here & do my best to distract myself.
I've got 15 screens open on my computer & I'm playing video games.

Well, a padded cell isn't too bad, I guess.
I'm going to need it.