Off

Have you ever felt wrong?
Not yourself?
Weird?
Off?

I feel that way when we haven't spoken, he & I.

It's ridiculous, because he said it.
He said we were done.

But I still hold on to hope.

It's dumb, I know.
I know I can "do better"
I know that there's "someone out there for me"

But I don't want it.

I want him.
I want him to open up to me.
I want him to be my friend & once we've found a common ground,
I want us to be more.

But SHOULD we.
THAT is the question.

I'm sure the answer is no.
I KNOW the answer is no.

But my entire being shouts yes & really, who am I to argue?

It's not in my hands.
It's never been in my hands.
It's all his.

& he'll never let me in, & he'll never let me see him.
He'll run away because he's afraid of not being enough when he's all I've ever wanted.
Never mind that I don't know him.

There's such a thing as kindred spirits.
There's such a thing as getting to know one another.

But he's either too cowardly or too lazy to try.

So I'll pick up the pieces & start my shit over again.
I'll be fine, but I'll be off for a while.

He'll always be tugging at my fucking heart.
Tug tug mother fucker.

Oh well.

One of these days my life will come together.
I'm only 21.
We'll find it.

Ciao for now!

Overly Dramatic Me Strikes Again

Okay.
Well my last post was a little over the top.

Of course he knows what pain is, he is 2013 me.
Of course he's a fucking idiot.
But of course I forgive him & of course I still care for him.

He won't open up to me.
I've laid my heart out in the open & he just left it there.
Which is fine, I guess, disappointing as fuck, sure, but it's his choice.

He's made the choice to walk away from what could have been great.
I hope one day he'll realize.
But until that day comes, we'll just be friends.

Which is honestly for the best, because emotions are for weenies.

In other news, I think this Erik guy is trying to hit it.

...

I'm not sure how I feel about it, to be completely honest.
I've known him for a long time & he's funny & smart & kind, but ...

Idk.

Having feelings for people other than Isaac is hard.
Having feelings after having them stomped on by Isaac is hard.

But there is all the time in the world to fixate on what feelings I may or may not eventually have.

I'm too fucking young to be worrying myself sick over someone who won't put in the effort.

THAT'S THE THING!!!
He couldn't be bothered.
I drove all the way out to see him, to talk with him,
He just complained about me being too far away.

Like I get it, my roommates are scary, but we don't have to just sit at home.
There's this whole world out there to explore.

He couldn't be bothered to tell me how he was feeling.
Ever.

So it's his loss.
I'm a fucking catch.

I just never knew what he was thinking, what he was feeling.

Unless he was horny.
Then I knew everything.
Which just makes me feel cheap.

I told him everything.
Every thought in my head.
Because I was drunk, but at least I said it.

At least I was genuine.

OH WELL

That's enough of that.

I'm recommitting myself to being a happier, healthier, me.
Damn self destructive tendencies.
Damn them straight to Hell.

... I say as it's well past midnight ...

I'm hopeless.

But I'll keep on hoping, it's all I can do.
One of these days I'll get it right.

Let The Record Show ...

I just wanted to be happy.
May the record show, that everything I did, I did to be happy.

I just ...
I knew it. I knew that this was a horrible idea.
I ran down the hall before I could second guess myself.
This is the price I pay.

I loved him.
My heart still wants him.
But I KNOW better.
I fucking know better.

He still loves her.
He lied to me & to himself & now I have to pick up the pieces.

Do you want to know what he asked me to do?
I'm a virgin by choice.
I've had countless opportunities to change that.
But I want it to MEAN something.
Because it's important to me.
It's honestly the only thing about myself that I care about.
& he asked me to sleep with him.
So he could get over her.

...
...
...

Can we just take a second?

Or a thousand?

How fucking dare he.

It happened a couple days ago & I forgive him, but that changed a lot of things for me.

Because what kind of person says something like that to someone he "cares" about.

It honestly makes me sick to my stomach.
I told him I loved him.
& that's what I got in return.

I can't do this.

But I can't be without him.

But I'll have to because there's no other way.

I can't breathe.
I love him so much.
I am going to miss him so fucking much.

But he doesn't give a shit.
I know he wants to but he doesn't & that's not enough for me.
That will never be enough for me.

I thought he'd changed.
We were talking & before we got into the emotional, I thought he'd changed.

But he's the same guy.

& I'm not the same girl.

The girl he knew died 3.5 years ago.

& now I'm just going to have to pick up all the pieces.


DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE ICING ON THE CAKE?!?

I got in an accident 2 days ago.
I have a mild concussion.
I was in the hospital & he had the audacity to tell me that I make HIM sad.

Isaac, if you ever find this, you don't know what sadness is.
I know you said you were joking, but it's not fucking funny.
You HURT ME.
Every mother fucking day you wasted my time & hurt me.

I am a wreck over here & someone who wanted to be my boyfriend a week ago needed me to comfort him when it should be the other way around.

I keep reliving the accident.
I can't do this.
I just can't.