Good Surprises

He got my letter.

Almost a week after I sent it, but he got it.

We're talking again.

I can't express to you how I feel about it.
Imagine feeling ridiculously happy, completely terrified, hopelessly sad, & madly in love all at once.

You know how you usually build someone up in your mind?
You make them into this perfect super hero/god?

Well, obviously with my levels of crazy I did that to an extreme.

He's better than that.

I'm 100% fucked.

He's in love with this horrible girl who treated him like shit & it's the worst thing that I could imagine.
Because I love him so much.
He deserves the moon & the stars, love stronger than the tide.

Not someone who controlled & used him.

But that's love isn't it?
Standing on the side lines & being what they need?

It fucking hurts, no doubt, but what's the alternative?
Waste my life wondering how he is?
Imagining him laughing at me & waking up in a cold sweat?

I'll take this.

It's a slow death, but I'll take it.
Given the chance, I'd do it again & again.

Because he deserves to be adored & cherished.
Even if it's just by a friend.

Ciao for now!

The Thing Is ...

I remember loving him so much.
I remember driving 20 miles over the speed limit just to see him get an award.
I remember how fucking proud of him I was.
I know how proud of him I am now.
I love him.
Regardless of who he may be now & of the fact that we are basically strangers,
I love him more now than I did then.

Which is why I wrote that letter.

Sure, closure is nice, but if I'd wanted closure I would have told him the long & stupid story of what happened after he dumped me.

I wanted him back in my life.
I can put my feelings aside, I always do.
I need to know that he is okay & that he will be okay.

I won't, I know that, he's going to ignore my letter.
Maybe contact me in a few months when I've given up again.

But I want to.
I want to talk to him about his life again.

I'm dumb.
I know I am.

I am a strong, apparently mildly attractive woman who could have a pick of quite a few men if I bothered, but I don't because I know they're all the same.
But he is him & I've loved him more than I've loved anything & I guess I'll never move past that.

The issue is that I want both.
I want to forget that he exists, I want to forget that I gave up my own identity in order to love him more.
I want to hate him & curse his name & move past him.

But I don't.
Because deep down I want nothing more than to watch movies with him & listen to him talk about the importance of the proper amount of butter when making popcorn.
I want to hear about his new work in programming.
I want to have an adult friendship with my childhood love.

Because bless him, he's great.
I know he is.
He's an idiot, but aren't we all.

I'm not a foolish girl with a silly crush anymore.
I'm a grown ass woman who knows that despite all our short comings, we could be good friends again.
Without the petty shit, without the mind games, without tiptoeing around each other's feelings.

But it won't happen & I am just going to have to live with it.

He doesn't feel the tug in his chest that I feel.
The constant nagging that reminds me that he is there.

I miss him. More than anything I miss him.
His stupid face & his stupid eyes & his stupid smile.

Ah well.
I should be asleep.

Ciao for now!

Mistakes

I wrote Isaac a letter.
I know I'm an idiot. I'm MORE than aware of how much of an idiot I am.

(I'm going to apologize right now for any typos or shenanigans that happen in this post, I'm in the middle of getting hammered)

But anyways, I wrote him a letter telling him that I miss being his friend too & that I care about him, because I do.
I left out the fact that I'm still in love with him, I figured that wasn't necessary information.
Plus, I've said it a million times but I'm in love with who he used to be.
Lord knows, he's probably changed.

The worst bit is how I got his address.
Because although I could drive there with my eyes closed I don't actually know his address.

...

I Google Map-ed that shit.

...

I am insane.
But actually. I am crazy.

...

So I sent it. A real life friend request to the only person I shouldn't be friends with.

But here's the thing.
I needed closure.
Again.
Because he couldn't leave it very well alone & I can't either.
This was a horrible decision.

I can see it going one of 3 ways.

1. He reads it, understands that I'm 1000% crazy (yes I meant to type 1000% not 100%) & leave it be, probably laugh about it with his MLP collection *cringes*.

2. He reads it, contacts me, we are friends & eventually I'll do something stupid, he'll get moody & we'll stop being friends.

3. He reads it, contacts me, we are friends, we realize there's unresolved things, we date, I do something dumb, he gets moody & we break up & do this all over again.

None of these are pleasant endings but it's too late now.

He will have already received it or will be within the next few days.

OH MY GOODNESS!

Do you ever wonder if someone feels the same pull you do?
I wonder if he is drawn to me the way I feel drawn to him.
My heart has this tug, & it won't stop.
This constant ache for that ridiculous boy.
It pulls & pulls & pulls.

In other news, my car is a wreck again.
This day has been Hell.

This is my year to do stupid shit.
I tried being friends with Ian again.
I'm trying to be friends with Shaadiah again.
I'm trying to be friends with Isaac again.
I'm going to go bungee jumping, sky diving, cliff jumping, you name it, I'm going to do it.
Shit, I'm even going to go back to school so I can stop pretending that I am anything but a teacher.

You know who I really miss?
Collin.

I have no idea if I even told you about him but I met him over the summer & even though we only dated for a month he was the best guy I've ever dated.
Should he have told me he had to move when we started talking?
Sure.
But goodness he was perfect.

Oh well.

I'm going to go & continue to destroy my liver.

Ciao!