The World Keeps Turning

The passion is coming back slowly.
I made a really nice necklace, that I am incredibly proud of.
I'm only working 42 hours this week & it seems to be helping a lot.
I'll miss the money, but life is definitely about more than money.
So. Much. More.
I've seen a few movies since I last posted.
The Fault In Our Stars being one of them (of course).
As always, I have so much to say about it.
I've come to the conclusion I was in love. Properly in love, not just teenager in love.
I would have taken care of Isaac until the end of time.
Reminding him to take his medicine, making sure he went to the doctor when his knee acted up, convincing him that eating healthy did once in a while wouldn't kill him.
I could have done it forever.
Being able to love someone when you have seen them at their absolute worst is what it's all about.
If anyone tries to tell you differently, they're wrong.
Love is not conditional, though we all seem to believe it is.
Love is selfless.
However, just because it's love, doesn't mean that we were meant to be.
It's obvious to me now that the last person I should end up with is Isaac.
So thank you, friend for OUR little infinity.
The other movie I saw was How To Train Your Dragon 2.
It goes without saying I bawled my eyes out.
The entire story can replace the way we look at dogs.
Not only that, but just the tale of finding yourself, finding your place in the world.
I won't post any spoilers, but it was touching, heart wrenching, & flawless.
The message I got from it, was explore.
Explore who you are, what you want, who you want to be.
That & family is important.
Which is a hard message for me to entertain.
Qutos to both writers & directors, actors, animators, everyone.
So powerful.
Can you imagine having the power to take unimaginative, sad, rundown, hopeless, angry people & make them happy?
To make them forget their lives for once & think about someone else for an hour or two?
It's all I can hope to achieve.
My passion is coming & going.
Had an audition for a paid haunted house today, in fact I'm still covered in dirt & sawdust from crawling on the floor.
I'm not sure how it went, Vicky says they liked me, I have no idea.
I really hope I got it.
Not just for the money, but because I miss improv theater.
Those were some of my best days spent in class doing whatever.
Also, I'll be able to interact with people & that's something I need to do more often.
I've missed this, feeling inspired.
I just hope it stays.
Ciao for now!

Passionless

I've just realized.
I have no passion for anything.
I feel like I might have said this before but ...
I don't care about anything.
Not about singing, not about writing, not about making jewelry, or reading, or anything even remotely productive.
All I want to do is sit here & watch T.V. until I die.
Actually, what I really want is oblivion.
I want to no longer exist.
Because then I won't have to ask myself the hard questions.
I won't have to face up to the fact that I am a failure.
I won't have to acknowledge the fact that I am living my worst nightmare.
I won't have to deal with the nagging in my head reminding me that all of this is my fault.
I just wouldn't exist.
It's all I want.
But it's not that simple. It's never that simple.
I went to the swings tonight ... It was the closest I've gotten to feeling anything in a long time.
But it wasn't enough.
It wasn't what it used to be.
I have no happiness.
I am passionless.

State of Affairs

Let me just break a few things down here for you.
I hate myself.
I don't really know why, I don;t know how to fix it, but I hate myself.
I'm past the depression point of my condition & come to the, "You are not who I want you to be."
There is not a thing I can do about it.
That's a lie.
There are so many things I could do about it.
But for one reason or another, I find that I am unable/unwilling.
Which just deepens my self loathing.
The absolute worst part about it is, I know.
I know what I can be.
There was a point in my life when I LOVED MYSELF.
I adored the ground I walked on.
I was exactly who I wanted to be.
Back when I didn't feel the need to have a boy.
Back before Isaac.
Not one piece of this is his fault.
Don't you ever think for one second that I blame him for anything.
Only insecure, idiotic children blame their exs for the bad things that happen after a break up.
It's my own fault I made him my everything.
It's my own fault I wanted so badly to be in love.
This is the main reason I hate myself.
Because if I had focused less on making him happy, & more on being happy myself, I wouldn't be here.
Or maybe I would.
I have no idea.
But I sit here every night & I just hate myself.
I hate my body.
I hate my actions.
I hate my personality.
I hate it all.
So I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm not who I want to be.
I'm sorry that I am a mess.
Please.
Bear with me.
I'm just trying to find my way again.