I Played Myself

Why?
I just read back to that fateful day & I just have to wonder, why?

I know why.
I know why I did it & I did it because it hurt too much not to.
But now it's done.
& I've done things & said things that have fucked me over big time.

I'm lost.
I'm lost because I keep forgetting who is more important.

I am.

Or more, I should be.
I haven't been, but I should be.

I shouldn't listen to him talk about her,
I shouldn't be there for him when I should be focusing on work.
I shouldn't want to do anything to please him.
But I do.
I fucking do because I love him.

He shouldn't tell me about her.
He shouldn't say those things to me.
He shouldn't.
But he does.

I'm addicted to him.
I'm addicted to the pleasure & the pain.
I'm addicted to how he can make me FEEL again.

Do you know how dangerous that is?
I haven't felt in 4 years.
I go back & I KNOW that I said I was over it, I know I said I was moving on,
But I wasn't.
Because if I did, I would still want to bone Aaron, I'd still have trouble meeting Eric's eyes.
But I don't, because it wasn't real.
Nothing has felt real, not like this.

I love the anguish.
I love hiding my tears.
I love being able to feel so goddamn alone.

I loved thinking that he cared enough.
& he doesn't which is 100% okay.
He shouldn't.
No one should care the way I care because it is destructive.
No one should put the world before themselves.

But I am literally a piece of shit.
Nothing more, nothing less.

& him.
LORD FUCKING HELP ME.

I was vulnerable.
SO. FUCKING. VULNERABLE.
I've never been so vulnerable in my life.
& I can laugh about it with my roommates & I can pretend it's all good.
But I exposed a part of myself I never have before.

& this is the consequence.
He can't handle this.
He can't handle me.

Well Sir, I can't handle you.
I can't handle WWIII if I touch you.
I can't handle the fact that I am here 100% & 75% of you is with her.
I can't handle trying to be friends & then you don't play fair.

I just wanted you back in my life.
I just wanted you.
Simple as that.

But I can't have you.
You will never be mine to be had, no matter what you say.

Because I am the world's largest mess
& I love you too much.
Too much for it to be good for you.

It's definitely not good for me.

So if you find this, Isaac.
I'm sorry.
I fucked up so badly in inviting you back into this circle of Hell.
I hope that one day you can forgive me.

I doubt I'll forgive myself.

1,000 Little Blades

He thinks it's funny.
He jokes about "putting the moves" on me.
He has no way of knowing that I'd give almost anything for him to hold me again.

But I'm no one's rebound.
I'm not.

I love him.
Every stupid imperfection, every insensitive thing he says.
I love him for it all.
But I will not be his rebound.

Not after all of this.
I would rather die the Old Maid I am going to be, rather than let that happen.

But he jokes & even though I know it's not real, a part of me hopes.

Does he still love me?
Like, no bitch why the fuck would he love you?
Why the fuck would he even care about you?

He claims he broke up with me because he didn't want to get hurt.
Because he felt bad for not being a good boyfriend.

He broke my heart.
It's still fucking broken.
I stopped FEELING ANYTHING but my love for him & my hatred for myself.

I hate myself.
I do.

All because he didn't want to get hurt.
I don't blame him, not in the slightest.
Even though I probably should.
I just fucking love him so much.

Who gives a shit if I hurt as long as he has someone to lean on?
Never mind I don't really have anyone I can really truly lean on here.
As long as he is taken care of.

But he doesn't want that from me.
He's just trying to quench his loneliness.

Why do I do this to myself?

Ah well, as long as they don't see me bleed.

Ciao.