Things I Miss

It's amazing really, the way we realize the little things really are the big things.
I miss being informed on topics.
I miss reading the paper, watching the news. I know that it was all really biased & mostly inaccurate, but at least I was aware that things were happening in the world, you know?

I suppose I could talk about how I miss being in love. Not just with a boy, but with my life. I used to doodle on everything "I <3 life". I used to say that every single day & now for 3 years I've been fighting to not take it all away.

Have things gotten better? Of course they have! I no longer have to deal with my family's bull shit on a regular basis, I have my head on mostly straight, I am fighting back as opposed to just laying down & taking it. But it's not enough.

I try to figure out what's missing & I never can.
Is it the news? Is it God? Is it Isaac? Is it sanity (let's be serious, I never had that)? Is it normalcy? What even is normalcy? I'm a brand new person in the body of my old self. I have all my memories, but they just make me sad now.

I don't have any fight left in me.
I'm scared & tired.

I found another lump in my leg. This one is tender.
I have an appointment on Monday. I'm so scared. I haven't really come to terms with it.
Eric said he had some & that they're totally normal, which I'm sure they are, but what if they're not. What if what I'd been wishing for for the past 3 years is finally happening. I'm going to have to have surgery, that's not in doubt. I'm just ... what if I have cancer? What if that's a real thing for me?

Like I said before, I'm scared & tired. I'm not sure what I'll do if I do have cancer.
I really wish I had someone to lean on.
But you know, that would require me to allow myself to be vulnerable which I'm afraid will never happen.
Ahhh emotional baggage. Thanks, Obama!

That's another thing I miss.
Feeling safe in someone's arms. Feeling safe with someone.
Nikki & Vicky are great, they really are & I love them more than anything, but they aren't the comforting type.

Ahhh well, maybe I won't have to deal with these feelings for much longer. ;)
Joking, of course ... mostly ... I won't have cancer. I've overreacting.

Ciao!

Just A Few Things

A lot has been going on.
I finally had the courage to tell my mother that I don't like her as a person ...
As you can imagine, that did not go over well.
She responded (as usual) with her blame game & hurtful comments.
It hurts me, but I'm not surprised.

Isaac made plans twice to see me & bailed both times.
I told him to go suck an egg.
Not actually, but it would have been funny.

This is good.
I know a lot of people would be in pieces over this, but I'm not.
I honestly feel as though a huge weight has been taken off my shoulders.

Because I'm tired of being hurt.
I'm tired of putting everyone else's feelings in front of my own.
I am sick of being walked on & manipulated.

I am Alicia.
I was born with the wind in my face.
Not a second of my life has been easy.
I have fought a million times over for my right to live & my right to exist.

Who the Hell are they?
Who?!
People who should've had my back.
People I trusted & wanted more than anything else in this world.
People who decided I was not important enough.
So why should I spend day after bloody day wringing my hands over them?
I am sure neither has lost a wink of sleep when I stayed awake for days.

I am Alicia.
Every which way I turn I am given a chance to live.
I'm up for a promotion for a job I haven't even started yet.
I am loved.
I am worth so much more than what I've been lead to believe.

I am fighting.
Right here, right now for my life.
If you're not here to help, get out.

CODE RED

I was doing so well.
Honestly I was.
But you know how when I think things are going great, something usually happens & ruins it?

WELL
Guess who walked back into my life.
After 2 & a half years.

??????????

I BET YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
Because I sure as heck wouldn't.
Who did I know 2.5 years ago who could POSSIBLY have ANYTHING to say to me anymore?!

Isaac.
Freaking.
Gibbs.

I know. I know.

"Didn't he leave you without a word?"
"Didn't you reach out & he never responded?"
"Isn't he a brony?!"

Yes, yes, & yes.

So what on Earth is he doing contacting me after 2.5 years, I honestly have no idea.
I'm completely baffled.
All I know is that I haven't slept or eaten properly since I saw his name come up on my phone.

I am a mess.
I JUST got over this idiot.
JUST.
Why why why is he doing this?
I would have been fine to never have heard from him again.
I WAS fine.

But now that he's back, I can't not know.
I have to know what he wants.
& if it's nothing then that will be that.
I will tell him to leave me alone & to do what he had done for the last 2.5 years.

Because I have absolutely no time for his shenanigans. None.
To be honest, I don't even really have time to meet him in the first place.
But I'm making time so we can get this over with.

I am in absolute torment again.
Why?
Just why?
Isaac, for the love of all that is Holy, why?

A Good Book

If anyone ever tries to tell you that a good book cannot change your life, they are unbelievably wrong, & you had best lose their acquaintance as soon as possible.

Throughout my life, there have been a few books that have formed & shaped me.
Harry Potter of course, but there are so many others.
Ella Enchanted, Guy Time (I know, I know), Interviews With Hideous Men and The Baxter Family series to name a few.

But the one I have always felt most connected to, is The Goose Girl.
I've been reading & rereading this book since I was in 6th grade.
Long story short, a young girl is raised to be something she is not, constantly feeling inferior to her mother and the task laid out for her.
By tragic means she is thrown from her position into one far different than that which she has known and in that position, learns who she is as a person.
She gains a gift and a sense of self, which helps her to find her way back & to fill the shoes she felt she could not fill in the beginning.

This book reaches into my heart & takes hold of it.
It makes me want to step out of my comfort zone & try new things, stretch beyond my understanding of the world & to broaden my mind.

We all know what an abomination 2012 was for me.
I've told that tale, we've read that rhyme.
For me, that is the starting point for me.
I hit rock bottom, I could not get and further down.
I'm still desperately trying (& failing) to get back up, 3 years later.
Life is not a fairy tale, it's not a book that must come to a conclusion in 400 or less.
It's a journey.
Lord knows mine has not been an easy one.
But if we look at the world & at ourselves, if we try until we succeed, THAT is where we will find meaning.
We must look for that which makes us our own.
I'm still looking.
Maybe, there will be no Prince to save me from the knife at my throat.
Maybe, there will be no band of friends to back me up.
Maybe, I will just have to stand on my own for a while & figure out who I am.
That's kind of the plan.

If you haven't read it, I (obviously) highly recommend The Goose Girl by Shannon Hale.
But anyways, it's well past my bedtime.
Ciao!

Day 2

So here we are!
I did it!
A Day 2!
Nothing happened just like everyday.
Except I laughed for 15 minutes straight & then had to force myself to stop.
You know, the usual.
I work a lot & I just feel like it's never good enough.
I often feel like nothing I do is good enough.
Well, what cha gonna do.

Hey There Stranger

So long time no chat.
I got another job ... & moved ...
You could say I've been busy & you would be so incredibly right.

Do you want to know what the worst part of mental illness is?
It's the fact it doesn't go away.
You can fight until you are blue in the face & it still will not be enough.
I'm realizing this.
I work so hard to be better, to lose weight, to improve upon myself, & day after day I fail.
What's the point?
What's the point when I know I'm not who I want to be, not who anyone wants me to be.
But there's this little voice that tells me that I'm better than everyone else.
I'm not. I KNOW I'm not.
I've been taught that I'm not my entire life.
& yet here I am being an asshole.
You just can't explain that.

I'm trying.
But of course who isn't.
I should've gone to been 2 hours ago.

I'm seriously considering going back to school in the fall.
But how?
How do I explain what happened?
How do I explain to the universe that I was too weak to fight back?
How do I even begin to start over?
I guess I just have to take it one day at a time.

Here's to hoping you hear from me in a day!