How To Live

You know, it's amazing.
When I lived at home, I couldn't live how I wanted.
Today, I did nothing until 4 p.m.
Not. A. Thing.
I worked out, I cleaned my entire kitchen, & I put away all my clothes.
I did all of that before 10 p.m.
I even watched 2 movies.
I am the queen.
Okay, not really, but I love that I can make that choice now.
But right now I'm so tired I could die.
I don't want to do anything now.
It's like a roller coaster.
Who cares.
Ciao!

I DID IT!!!!

I don't think I mentioned this, I thought I had but looking back I can't see anything,
But I auditioned for a paid theater thing & ...
I GOT IT!!!
I can't believe it, just yesterday I was trying to find something for me to do.
I'm sick of going from work to home & that being it.
I need to be with people.
Now I'm going to be in a show.
& paid for it.
I'm so happy I could cry.
Life is looking up for me.
Who knew?
I've made little changes & it's all better now.
Thank God.
Here's to a better tomorrow.
Ciao!

Getting It Together

So I've worked out everyday for the past 4 days which is a record for me.
I'm back to taking my medicine.
However, I found out Isaac's heart is still acting up by way of Vicky & ...
I picked my arms until they bled.
So we've got our pluses & our minuses.
I mean, I'm over him, but I worry, it's what I do.
He also doesn't take care of himself & that's also a thing.
But I'm feeling much better about myself & life since I've been able to commit to my new lifestyle.
However I haven't been eating a lot so ...
THEN AGAIN.
I've been eating WAY too much the past 5 months so ... It'll balance itself out.
Now all I need to do is get back into theater or SOMETHING that has to do with music.
Seriously, a choir, show, female quartet, ANYTHING.
I'm going stir crazy.
I know, I said that before, but honestly just going to work & coming straight home is killing me.
Well, keep it real, I should probably head to bed soon.
Here's to hoping I can stick to this.
Ciao!

So. Out. Of. Shape.

I did my workout video today.
I felt my skin pinch together when I bent over.
I hate my body.
I hate that I'm still awake.
I want to be asleep.
Why am I awake.
I want to be amazing & I'm not.
Why.
Why.
Why.

124 Crossword Puzzles!!!

Okay I know it's lame, but I've had this book for almost 2 years & now it's done & I'm just so proud of myself.
I did 124 Crossword Puzzles.
I actually finished the book.
Never have I ever finished an entire activity book.

I've been taking steps to make my life better.

Shaadiah & I are officially no longer friends.

She did not take it well ... 

Which I guess could be to expected but honestly I haven't spoken to her in so long ... 

We haven't been friends in God knows how long. 

Why does it matter all of sudden?

It feels good to have that all off my chest.

I'm also letting go of my hatreds.

My resentment for my parents, my siblings, St. Catherine University, all of it.

It's not healthy & the sooner I let it go, the sooner I can move on.

The only thing I can't let go is this wretched self hatred.

It just sits here on my back day after day, reminding me how terrible I am.

I spoke to my coworker with Special Needs like a child today.

How. Could. I. Have. Done. That.

How could I have been such an ignorant imbecile?!

I KNOW better, & yet I did it anyways.

I can't tell you how much I hate myself for that.

I would backhand anyone who spoke to my brother in that way.

Honestly, it wasn't even that bad, I just called him "Bud" but still.

He is deserves far better than that.

Not just that, but I don't eat well, I don't sleep well, I don't work out, I don't DO anything.

I KNOW better. But I still do it anyways.

WHY?!? Why do I do this?

It makes me especially angry because I have so much ambition.

So much potential & I waste it.

I just waste it.

In other news, I am listening to Everything But The Girl.

I forgot how much I loved this band.

Seriously.

There was a summer I only listened to their Amplified Heart album.

I even used it to make my ex jealous.

Goodness I was an idiot in middle school.

I don't think he even knew either which is even more embarrassing.

The hardest thing about growing up & moving past old resentment is finally having the time to focus on me.

Because it just makes me realize how messed up I am.
Now that I have the freedom to do as I choose, I choose to do nothing.
I want to do it but I just don't.
Because doing something else is easier.
That my dear people is the root of my problem.

So I'll keep on trying I guess.
We'll see.
Ciao for now!