There is no sanity, no functionality, nothing to recommend itself to anyone.
But it is mine & it is slowly eating away at me.
No matter what, I will never be free of my family until I move out.
Luckily we loved the apartment sooo ... it's only a matter of being accepted.
Back to the matter of my family, it seems that they don't realize what they say to me.
I worked 8.5 hours today & my mom just decided that I should help her treat the windows & do the laundry. She did not ask, she did not even bother to address me with respect, she just told me what to do & expected me to do it.
I am not mooching off my parents, I pay $200 a month to share a room with my little sister & have maybe 5 meals a week at home, if that. I pay for my own phone & I pay for the gas when I use the car.
My parents gossip about me to everyone they speak to without any consideration to my feelings.
They take my computer chord (which I paid for & marked so they KNOW it's mine) while my computer is charging without even asking & make the excuse that they couldn't get a hold of me.
I am reminded daily by them that I do not act like an adult & that I am not handling my chronic illness well because sometimes I come home from a long shift & take a bath & I occasionally over sleep.
My own mother had the audacity to tell me that I am going nowhere fast. & to accuse me of being on drugs. She got mad at me for being upset when she said those things to me.
I am not innocent of reproach when it comes to my family, I certainly can take things better than I do.
I just can't handle the disrespect with which I am addressed. As if I have no right, as if I am to do exactly as I am told the way I have my whole life. I am so sick of being that girl & it has honestly begun to destroy me.
Then again, there are days when I love my family so very much ... but those days usually end the way this one has with yelling & my hatred oozing from every pore in my body.
My parents will enquire upon my health, & then criticize me for whatever they feel I am not doing right. They don't understand why this upsets me.
Who are they to tell me how to live my life? Who are they to judge me, those who have not their own lives together. They too live from pay check to pay check. They too over sleep & need to take a long bath after a hard day. They come home & take their anger out on us the way we do them. But the only difference is that they cannot be questioned, they cannot be at fault.
These are people who had their college paid for, who never had to deal with the pressure of going to a college too expensive & then having to pay the consequences.
Am I resentful towards my family? Yes I am.
I am expected to be an angel & to suck it up & do as I am told no matter what I may want or need to do. Despite my own personal mental illnesses, which my family chooses to ignore, I am expected to cater to. I have never made anyone change the way they live their lives because of my O.C.D. or Depression or Anxiety.
I guess in that way I am especially an elephant in the room because even in the place where I ought to be best understood, I am ignored despite the evidence is obvious.
I have scars on my legs & arms from my O.C.D., welts that stick up a mile.
But it is dismissed. They just tell me to stop.
Would that I could, would that I could.
Sorry that was a bit heavy ... Just needed to get it out I guess ...
Ciao for now!
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