Perfectly content to be with each other, no secrets to hide.
I can't be like them, I can't lay on top of someone else.
I can't let go & be happy.
Here I am, on a swing, miles away from them.
Back & forth, back & forth.
I am flying, then falling.
High, then low.
I can't have him,
I can see that clearly now.
He can't reach me I am too far gone,
He could never reach me.
Or maybe he could, but who would want to?
I have baggage, more than many can believe.
I am different.
I have no label, no group to belong to.
There are many of us,
But we don't know each other
Because we're always blending in.
Those with whom I share my secrets, they try to relate,
But they have no idea, none at all of what I go through.
It can't be explained with words,
Though many have tried.
There are books & articles, blogs & medical journals,
But those only skim the surface.
For all those words in all those pages have to be edited
& the truth begins to blend into the back ground,
& technical language takes up the space.
You can't edit these feelings,
Cannot change what this life is like.
My life is not a book that can be edited to make it better,
To make it easier to read.
They can't reach me,
I am too far away, in a place that no one knows the name of.
How I wish I could sit with them,
To just to talk about whatever I please.
I am not black & white,
I am the grey area.
You can't reach me.
I am forever moving,
Forever suffering,
Forever rejoicing.
You can't pin a name to me, I am no number.
I am no one,
But I am everyone.
Swinging back & forth, back & forth.
Trying to reach them but they are out of reach.
I can go & sit with them,
But I will only feel more isolated.
They couldn't hear me if I called out to them,
If I asked for help.
I am happy,
But I am drowning & there's nothing I can do.
So I get up & live my life.
You may try to judge me for the things I do,
You may try to shut me down.
But you couldn't find me in a crowd of people,
Nor could you pick me out of a sea of pain.
I am right in front of you,
But you'll never see me.
For I am weak but I am strong,
I am flawed, yet I am the best.
So you stay with them,
You enjoy the ability to be free.
Sit with her & fall for her,
Because you'll never fall for me.
I could go in circles for hours,
& still get to where I need to be,
& I may be alone, but there are many of me.
I have no label, no special group,
We duck under the covers of society.
No matter what you do,
No matter where you go, I'll still be here.
Always in sight,
But constantly out of reach.
I wish you could reach me,
I wish you could have me,
But I stay up here, swinging way up high,
Back & forth, back & forth.
Life will go on without you,
Because that's how the world works.
My world will spin without your adorable smile.
I am above, but I am below,
I am in bliss, but I am in agony.
You'll never know my full story,
but neither will I.
I am scared,
But I am the elephant in the room,
& you will never even know how many of us are here.
I wrote that poem in study hall in the first week of my senior year. I wrote it about last school year & a night when I was with people who I wanted to fit in with. We went to the park for lack of things to do. My grandma was dying in the hospital & I was on my knees that night. That was the night I realized that no matter how much I wanted to be with them, I never could. They had problems, & I know everyone has them, & I'm not trying to brush them aside, that's not the intent I had behind this poem. I have recently been reading a book called Being The Other One about the siblings of special needs children. Most people would not even think that that includes me, but it does. BOTH my younger siblings have special needs. I'm not writing this for anyone reading it, I'm writing this for me. It's hard for me to read that book because it's hard to believe that I'm not alone. Not in the normal way of, "OMG I'm all alone in the world, my life sucks!" I love my life. I have the most fun, but there are times when I realize that there are some people I will never truly bond with because they just don't see me. In the book they talk about how each & every one of the people in this book (it's a non-fiction book) feel like this. We slip under the radar, but it's there. I am an elephant in the room, no matter what others may say or think. We all suffer, but that doesn't mean that we all know what it's like. I'm not more hurt than anyone else, but my pain is harder to understand.
No comments:
Post a Comment