Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Follow Up
Side note, the doctor did not think I have cancer or that the lumps are anything to be concerned about so ... I will live to suffer another day. ;)
Hello From The Other Side
Oh hey!
Long time no post, as per usual my life has been a shit show of ridiculousness.
At this point, I don't even know what this blog was supposed to be about.
About the struggle of being "The Elephant in the Room" which is still a damn struggle, but there are worse things, you know?
Like having your place of employment horribly vandalized while the store was OPEN.
Or realizing that you have no idea what you're doing.
Or having an ex contact you out of the blue.
This time the ex that you treated like absolute shit.
The ex that is basically the most wonderful human being on this planet.
The ex you didn't want to date but did anyways & then dumped & were brutally honest with.
The ex you demanded a present back from.
I WAS THE WORLD'S LARGEST BITCH IN 2013
Dear goodness dear empty space of internet.
This poor man was kind to me when I wished that I were dead.
He loved me when I hated myself.
He went out of his way to see me & care for me when I didn't even try.
He introduced me to beautiful music.
I would not be alive today if it weren't for him.
But I was a dick.
Just SUCH a dick.
The guilt is horrible & then there's the fact that he told me he wasn't going to give up on me.
Which I mean, yeah we all say & yes it's been 3 years & yes he's dated other people but ...
He also said he loved me 1 month in & that's just ... unheard of ... for the most part.
Because there's me & I'm still in love with a boy that I haven't seen in almost 4 years.
& there's my roommate who is still in love with a man who is dead.
I'm not saying that I am in anyway comparable to these people, but ...
I am in love with a full on idiot, so there's that.
I just ... he is an amazing guy, he really is & I would adore to be friends with him but that's what I wanted the last time & then he said we were dating & I had no idea how to explain to someone that I had NO idea it was a date.
I DO NOT want to hurt him again. Even a little. Not one ounce of me wants anything but incredible happiness for him.
Because like I said, he is probably one of the most stellar people I know in this incredibly horrible world.
But we're older now & I am more aware of the world I am in.
So who knows.
Dear Lord, please do not let history repeat itself.
Also, can you please cut out the parts of me that the idiot owns?
The pain has been rather high as of late for no damn reason & I wish it would stop.
Ciao for now fools.
Long time no post, as per usual my life has been a shit show of ridiculousness.
At this point, I don't even know what this blog was supposed to be about.
About the struggle of being "The Elephant in the Room" which is still a damn struggle, but there are worse things, you know?
Like having your place of employment horribly vandalized while the store was OPEN.
Or realizing that you have no idea what you're doing.
Or having an ex contact you out of the blue.
This time the ex that you treated like absolute shit.
The ex that is basically the most wonderful human being on this planet.
The ex you didn't want to date but did anyways & then dumped & were brutally honest with.
The ex you demanded a present back from.
I WAS THE WORLD'S LARGEST BITCH IN 2013
Dear goodness dear empty space of internet.
This poor man was kind to me when I wished that I were dead.
He loved me when I hated myself.
He went out of his way to see me & care for me when I didn't even try.
He introduced me to beautiful music.
I would not be alive today if it weren't for him.
But I was a dick.
Just SUCH a dick.
The guilt is horrible & then there's the fact that he told me he wasn't going to give up on me.
Which I mean, yeah we all say & yes it's been 3 years & yes he's dated other people but ...
He also said he loved me 1 month in & that's just ... unheard of ... for the most part.
Because there's me & I'm still in love with a boy that I haven't seen in almost 4 years.
& there's my roommate who is still in love with a man who is dead.
I'm not saying that I am in anyway comparable to these people, but ...
I am in love with a full on idiot, so there's that.
I just ... he is an amazing guy, he really is & I would adore to be friends with him but that's what I wanted the last time & then he said we were dating & I had no idea how to explain to someone that I had NO idea it was a date.
I DO NOT want to hurt him again. Even a little. Not one ounce of me wants anything but incredible happiness for him.
Because like I said, he is probably one of the most stellar people I know in this incredibly horrible world.
But we're older now & I am more aware of the world I am in.
So who knows.
Dear Lord, please do not let history repeat itself.
Also, can you please cut out the parts of me that the idiot owns?
The pain has been rather high as of late for no damn reason & I wish it would stop.
Ciao for now fools.
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