It's amazing really, the way we realize the little things really are the big things.
I miss being informed on topics.
I miss reading the paper, watching the news. I know that it was all really biased & mostly inaccurate, but at least I was aware that things were happening in the world, you know?
I suppose I could talk about how I miss being in love. Not just with a boy, but with my life. I used to doodle on everything "I <3 life". I used to say that every single day & now for 3 years I've been fighting to not take it all away.
Have things gotten better? Of course they have! I no longer have to deal with my family's bull shit on a regular basis, I have my head on mostly straight, I am fighting back as opposed to just laying down & taking it. But it's not enough.
I try to figure out what's missing & I never can.
Is it the news? Is it God? Is it Isaac? Is it sanity (let's be serious, I never had that)? Is it normalcy? What even is normalcy? I'm a brand new person in the body of my old self. I have all my memories, but they just make me sad now.
I don't have any fight left in me.
I'm scared & tired.
I found another lump in my leg. This one is tender.
I have an appointment on Monday. I'm so scared. I haven't really come to terms with it.
Eric said he had some & that they're totally normal, which I'm sure they are, but what if they're not. What if what I'd been wishing for for the past 3 years is finally happening. I'm going to have to have surgery, that's not in doubt. I'm just ... what if I have cancer? What if that's a real thing for me?
Like I said before, I'm scared & tired. I'm not sure what I'll do if I do have cancer.
I really wish I had someone to lean on.
But you know, that would require me to allow myself to be vulnerable which I'm afraid will never happen.
Ahhh emotional baggage. Thanks, Obama!
That's another thing I miss.
Feeling safe in someone's arms. Feeling safe with someone.
Nikki & Vicky are great, they really are & I love them more than anything, but they aren't the comforting type.
Ahhh well, maybe I won't have to deal with these feelings for much longer. ;)
Joking, of course ... mostly ... I won't have cancer. I've overreacting.
Ciao!
